You're Here- Francesca Battistelli (with lyrics)

It's Christmas day.  For many people, it is a day filled with gift exchanges, family gatherings and lots of food.  For some people, its a day filled with stress:  Did I get my child exactly what they wanted for Christmas?  How am I going to pay our bills in January with all the money I spent this year?  Is this going to be the year I get along with my sister?  And yet for some people, it is the most isolating and lonely day of the  year.  No matter what, Christmas leaves us longing for something more.

I think at one time or another I have found myself in each situation- a happy Christmas, a stressful Christmas and a lonely Christmas.  But in every Christmas of my life, I have learned there is no PERFECT Christmas... food gets burned,,, your football team loses... kids argue...adults bicker... the tree falls over thanks to a pet... This  year, I have found the perfect Christmas.

The reason we celebrate Christmas is the birth of our Savior... that moment when God broke through our hopeless world and offered us the best gift of all... HIMSELF.  At that exact moment 2000+ years ago... it was a perfect Christmas and this year, we can celebrate that perfect Christmas- not only today but everyday for the rest of our lives.  The gift is perfect.  The gift is free.  The gift is eternal.  The gift is fulfilling.  The gift is full of love, peace and joy.  

Building 429 - "Saving Christmas" Music Video

A few months ago, I was posed a question, “How do you plan to spend the Christmas holiday?”  I knew this year, with all of its struggles, needed a change.  Thankfully I have the best family in the world who understood this need.  So, we planned… A Christmas week-end in one of my favorite places on earth, Table Rock State Park in Pickens, SC.  In the past, we have rented a cabin for a week each summer but this was the first time we had done a winter vacation.  We spent the first day, decorating the cabin.  All the mom’s brought tree ornament ideas… baked orange slices, gingerbread men, beads, bells and buttons… you name it we did it.  

However, it quickly morphed from making tree decorations to making an entire “winter wonderland” cabin.  With homemade snowflakes hanging from every window, doorway and even the ceiling.  The kids snuck out of the living room and created name placards for each door and even a “winter wonderland” sign for the outside the cabin.  It said, 

“Winter wonderland… but it’s warm and the decorations aren’t real.” 

 It started me thinking… how many times are our Christmas celebrations just like that?  Warm and fuzzy for the world to see…. But not real.  I don’t want that.  I want real, meaningful, authentic.  

Sometimes the tinsel and the glitter

Are the seasons like a womb

They can hide away the savior

At the center of it all

Are the times that more like starlight

Burning in the winter sky

Are the curly, shining corners

To the holy land of lights

Beyond the noise

Behind the lights

Pass the chaos of December's not so silent nights

This time of year I find

A thousand signs that lead me to the child divine 

I hold Him dear 

In this heart of mine

I'm saving Christmas

In the house or at the struggle

We keep praying for some peace

While the old familiar stories

Calling out to you and me

Light of The World - Lauren Daigle - Worship Video w/lyrics- Christmas

Waiting...  God's chosen people of the Old Testament waited while struggling to follow the law and prophets, God's chosen people of the New Testament sought the Messiah coming to earth, the people waited.  Did they feel abandoned?  Did they wonder each day if it would be the day that God would deliver them?

Dietrich Bonhoeffer waited.  While in prison he waited.  But he didn't sit on his hands and wait for God's deliverance.  He used his time to reflect on God and the true meaning of Christmas.  He wrote in one of his letters:

Christmas is like a "prison cell, in which one waits, hopes - and is completely dependent on the fact that the door of freedom has to be opened from the outside, is not a bad picture of Advent” 

Tonight, as I wait for Christmas Eve to turn until Christmas Morning, I wonder... what am I doing while I am waiting?  Do I wait with an expectant heart?  Do I long to know the mystery of God made flesh?  Do I understand that waiting shows me my fallen humanity and God's sacrifice of giving me the best Christmas gift of all?

Still My God - Avalon

I've heard many quotes on experiencing life in the valleys or on the mountain top.  Some of my favorite are:

"Transformation is a process, and as life happens there are tons of ups and downs.  

It's a journey of discovery-

 there are moments on the mountaintops and moments in deep valleys of despair"

 - Rick Warren

"The marvelous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy 

if there were no limitations to overcome.  

The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful 

if there were no dark valleys to traverse,"  

-Helen Keller

"Life is supposed to be a series of peaks and valleys.  

The secret is to keep the valleys from becoming  Grand Canyons." 

-Bernard Williams

Its true.  Life is a roller coaster.  It is full of ups and downs... peaks and valleys, twists and turns.  Its never predictable.  Its not stable and for me it is unsettling.  I've been reluctant to rejoice on the mountaintops because I know I will face a valley.

There is a scripture I recently read from Daniel.  As a child I learned the story of the firey furnace.  But somehow, I never saw 4 little words sandwiched into this story of courage.

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king.  But even 

IF HE DOES NOT, 

let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." 

Daniel 3:17,18

11 months ago, my entire life was a valley- dark, grey, and oh... so confusing.  I clasped onto the only One who could see me through.  And He did.  Christ held on and carried me through that dark time.  He didn't change my circumstances or my situation which He could have done so easily.  Rather He stayed with me in the "blazing fire".

1 month ago, all was right in my world- peaceful, serene and light hearted.  God blessed us unexpectedly with a home of our own.  It was an answer to prayer that I had not prayed.  But I had a hard time celebrating because I feared the next valley.

Why do I fear the next valley in life?  God has proven himself faithful... through the Old Testament He showed the red cord of redemption and it continued through the cross and the promise of salvation.  He continues to show his faithfulness in the promise of the Holy Spirit to guide us.  In both of these situations, God has shown we are not alone.  No matter the valley or the mountaintop, in Christ I can confidently say, "He can help me in this current situation.  He will stay by my side.  But even if he chooses not to answer my prayers in the way I thought He should, I will not give up.  Nothing, no situation, no circumstance can separate me from His love.  It is the same yesterday, today and forever,"

A quote from my devotional worded it like this, "We can have the joy of the Lord if we have an 'inspite of everything' quality of faith.  Our hope is not based on getting God to do what we want but in wanting Him regardless of how events work out."- God's Best for my Life.

through it all (lyrics) - Andrae Crouch

I've had many tears and sorrows,

I've had questions for tomorrow,

there's been times I didn't know right from wrong.

But in every situation,

God gave me blessed consulation,

that my trials come to only make me strong.

through it all,

through it all,

I've learned to trust in Jesus,

I've learned to trust in God.

through it all,

through it all,

I've learned to depend upon His Word.

I've been to lots of places,

I've seen a lot of faces,

there's been times I felt so all alone.

But in my lonely hours,

yes, those precious lonely hours,

Jesus lets me know that I was His own

I thank God for the mountains,

and I thank Him for the valleys,

I thank Him for the storms He brought me through.

For if I'd never had a problem,

I wouldn't know God could solve them,

I'd never know what faith in God could do

This past week was Thanksgiving and if I were to be completely honest with you, I haven't been very thankful.  It seems like everything that could go wrong has... and I have been left wondering, 

"Why me, God?"  

"Haven't I had enough?"

  "Haven't I suffered enough?"

 "Do you hear me?"

  "Do you see how tired I am?"

  "What about weakness, Do you see that God?"

  "I can't take much more."

As I drove home from church yesterday, this song was playing on my mom's CD player.  I had to pause to think... Do I thank God? for the mountains?  the valleys? the storms He brought me through?  What about the trials I am having right now?  Do I thank Him or do I shut Him out?  If I can be candid for a moment, I've shut Him out.  Since last Tuesday, I shut Him out.  I couldn't pray, praise or speak His name.  I have spent almost a week in the silence, in the dark, in the pain.  It is miserable there but after a while it is safe.  I don't have to think about the "whys" of life.  I can just simmer and be miserable.  

But as this song played and as I replayed the sermon from the service yesterday, I realized nothing is about me. Everything I have is a gift from God.  It is a blessing in disguise... sometimes so deep in disguise... but all of it: valleys, mountaintops, trials and storms are blessings.  They are gifts from God and it is what we do with these gifts that make the difference.  Each painful trial, each triumphant victory, each passing day is a gift to teach me to rely on Him and trust His word.  

  

   

Quietness and Trust - Julie True

I have been quiet. 

I haven't blogged.  

Not because I haven't wanted to.  Life seems to get in the way.  I haven't had internet connection in several weeks due to moving.  But this song has spoken to my heart on more than one occasion.  I find myself starting some mornings walking around the yard or down on my knees praying the words of this song will be true for that day.

I have felt God's faithfulness, His mercy, His grace... more than most people.  I can't explain it to fellow believers, much less non believers.  But I am humbled, that my God, would see fit to bless me in ways that wouldn't have been possible 10 months ago.  He has given us a home.  A HOME.  No longer renting, no longer waiting for the change in location, no longer doubting the right from wrong choice.  He led me to this "Dream House."  He moved swiftly and I am confident He did this so I didn't have time to play the "what if " game.  He knew I would doubt my decision and second guess and worry over every detail of this move.

He taught me that when I come to rest in Him, He is able to move mountains.  He is able to do so much more than I can see on the surface.  I just have to rest in Him.  I found this quote on Pinterest and I believe it wholeheartedly and this scripture has meant more to me in the past 10 months than ever before.

          
It is my prayer that as I move forward on this journey, I will never forget that being still and knowing God are some of the most important things in life.  It is the answer to many of the problems we face.  Spending time with the Father in quiet reflection makes all the difference.

Air1 - Britt Nicole "Hanging On" LIVE

For the past 10 months, I have said, "God is Good."  I have walked through the valley and through the darkest of nights.  But I have held onto that promise.  "God is Good."  No matter what, "He is good."   No matter the situation, "He is Good".  I don't know He allows things to come into our lives but "God is Good."  When faced with a trial, there is a choice to make.  For me the choice is easy, hold on to His promises.  Cling to Him and let Him guide each decision, each day and sometimes each moment.  What have I learned by hanging on to Him?  I have learned that He is faithful.  He is faithful in the big things and the little things.  The lyrics to this song are a testimony to that... 

You see my anxious heart
You see what I am feeling
And when I fall apart
You are there to hold me
How great your love for me
Now I see what You're thinking
You say I'm beautiful
Your voice is my healing

Without You I just can't get by
So I'm

Hanging on to every word You speak
'cause it's all that I need
Hanging on to every word You say
To light up my way
Even every little whisper I'm
Hanging on as if it were my life
I'm hanging on

And when the darkness falls
I can't see what's before me
Your voice is like the dawn
Always there to guide me

Without you I just can't get by
So I'm

Hanging on to every word You speak
'cause it's all that I need
Hanging on to every word You say
To light up my way
Even every little whisper I'm
Hanging on as if it were my life
I'm hanging on

You know me better than I know myself
Better than anybody else
Your love is sounding like a ringing bell
Oh, oh, I won't let go

Hanging on to every word You speak
'cause it's all that I need
Hanging on to every word You say
To light up my way
Even every little whisper I'm
Hanging on as if it were my life
I'm hanging on

I recently read the following quote:

I think this goes along with Romans 8:28:

Even If (The Healing Doesn't Come) - Kutless w/Lyrics

Life took the living breath out of me again this week.  It seems that each time I began to relax, another curve ball is thrown my way.  This week, my daughter, my Peanut, ran away from home.  I found her luckily and with the help of one of her friends and his grandmother, she arrived at home close to midnight. 

I began to think of her past, and honestly I don't know how God can restore this relationship.  You see, my Peanut was abused and neglected in some of the most cruel ways.  She is broken.  We are all broken in this fallen world but she has seen more in her last 14 years than a person could imagine.  I realized this week that there is NOTHING I can do to fix this.  No amount of grounding or lecturing or anything else that seems suitable as punishment is going to work.  She is a broken person and only Jesus can fix her.  I have to trust that one day, maybe not until she reaches the pearly gates, she will be healed.  

But I struggle... I mean like really struggle with this.  What if it isn't until the other side of heaven that she is healed?  Do I feel this is a reflection of my poor parenting?  Several moms had a conversation this morning about this.  When our children ignore us or outright disobey us, it isn't our faults as parents.  When we make mistakes, we fess up to them and pray for healing.  If we don't confess and seek repentance then we will be lost when the healing doesn't come.  But if we have simply loved our children and provided what we feel is best for them, we have to let it go.  They were never really ours to begin with.  

As I wait for healing for my child, my dearly beloved Peanut, I am reminded of the prophet Jeremiah.  As a prophet he endured much physical and emotional abuse.  He was imprisoned and lived in isolation because the Israelites didn't want to live life on God's terms.  But God was with him.  

The Lord is with me as a mighty, awesome one.- Jeremiah 20:11

I am with you... to deliver you.-Jeremiah 1:19

God didn't desert Jeremiah and he will not desert me as I navigate parenting of this teenaged girl.  He has sent his Holy Spirit to give me hope, steer me toward the heart of  Christ and to pour out God's compassion on our lives when we are ready to give up.  I don't know when God will restore Peanut's heart and she will realize that her security can only be found in Him.  I pray to see that day.  For now, I will try to trust the Good and Faithful One and set my heart on eternity where she will be free from pain of the past and completely healed.  

TobyMac - City On Our Knees (Lyric Video)

I heard this song on the radio this morning.  It was after a powerful Women's Bible Study last night. The kind of Bible Study that leaves you wanting to curl up with your Bible and hear God speak directly to your heart.  The study is Jonah- Navigating a Life Interrupted by Priscilla Shirer.

She says that when we use the word "interruption" it carries its own negative connotation.  Throughout the introduction she challenged us to change our thought pattern from interruption to intervention.  Though it seems negative in the midst of our interruption, God is up to something and when we look back, we will see that it was a divine intervention rather than something negative.  Sometimes when you are walking in the midst of it, all you see is the brokenness but on the other side there is purpose and it will be significant.

Jonah was a prophet.  But when he heard the word of God, it wasn't something to share with others.  It was a direct command for him to follow.  Needless to say he didn't follow.  (I am sure I will come back to that as the Bible Study goes on.)  But when he finally relented and followed God's leading to Ninevah, many people turned from their sin and turned towards God.  Even the king was saved.  Evidently in history, this was one of the greatest revivals in history because the entire people group surrendered to God's words spoken through Jonah.

Mrs Shirir says, "God often sends us into the hopeless place because its in the hopeless place that we can see the hope of God.  It is a place where we are so lost and so destitute that we know only God can fix it.  I've been there.  In fact, I have been there for more than 7 months.  It is not fun, it is not touchy feely.... it is more like cold or ice, it is miserable.  But coming out of the other side of this hopelessness, you can begin to see fingerprints of God's handiwork.  No, I don't have the answers but in that hopeless place, I learned to trust... to trust the only one who could lift me out of the mire.

This song speaks of Ninevah at about 2 minutes and 45 minutes.  The great Billy Graham talks about the revival that took place due to Jonah's obedience.  I am in no way comparing myself to Jonah, or Billy Graham, but I wonder what my hopeless story can lead someone else to.  Could my story one day help someone else find hope and find the power of the cross?

So am I going "all in" in submission, trust, and blind following of Christ no matter the cost???  Will I take this challenge and begin to view this interruption of life as a significant opportunity of the Divine, my Father in Heaven to intervene in a way like never before?  Will I be so bold?  I guess we will have to see.

Kristian Stanfill - "Always" (with lyrics)

I have had three conversations this week with women whom I trust wholeheartedly to speak truth into my life.  The common thread was,

"Why do you think you need to be perfect?"  

"Why do you have to be so strong?"

"It's ok to be weak, especially after all you are dealing with."

I don't have an answer for those questions but I feel the angst in my heart from trying to be too strong, from trying too hard, from fighting a waging war within myself and with my daughter.  It leaves me utterly exhausted.  I have realized that when I take my eyes off my Savior, my strength is weakened.  It is only when my sole focus is on Him that I find the strength to face each new day. 

After the trauma of the past 8 months you would think I remember to cling to the cross.  Life happens when you aren't paying attention.  God has found a new way to remind me of my need for total dependence on Him.  This new way is in the form of a 14 year old daughter who can be challenging on the best days.  

Satan has also found ways to keep my eyes off of my Lord.  It comes in the way of exhaustion. It is a challenging time of year... going back to school, dealing with new routines and schedules.  Add packing to that list and you can see a bit of where I am coming from. 

It also comes in the way of acceptance.... I am learning to accept my new place in life and for the first time in many months I realize how "alone" I am.  Sure I have friends, but that companionship that we all long for... that promise of forever is gone.  This brings a lot of grief into my life.  

So tonight as I go to sleep I want to focus on the words to this song.   He is my courage and strength and He will NOT delay.   He will come through.  I hope I will find rest in Him alone. 

Most of all I hope I can say:

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord.
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord.
ALWAYS!!!

Losing by Tenth Avenue North Lyrics

Parenting is one of the most stressful relationships one can have.  It can be so hard to offer grace when a child is rebellious.  Yet that is what we are called to do.  There is such a fine line between grace and discipline.  Yesterday was a day that I wish I could push the "do over" button.  There was a struggle in the battle of wills on both our parts.

For me, it displayed my own sinfulness of pride and anger.  What a lonely place to be.  Who really wants to share those things with other people?  Who wants to expose those sins?  But I knew I had to.  Thankfully I have a "village" of people who love both me and my Peanut.  They wrapped their arms around us, figuratively, and prayed for us.  But it wasn't until this morning that I found some of the peace I needed.

In Jesus Calling by Sarah Young,  shared the story of Hagar and how she fled in fear from Sarah.  Sarah's anger and wrath sent her into the desert... desolate.  In her desperation, Hagar called out to God,  using the name that means, "the Living One who sees me."

 Here is what Sarah Young writes:

"No set of circumstances could ever isolate you from My loving Presence.  Not only do I see you always; I see you as a redeemed saint, gloriously radiant in My righteousness.  That is why I take great delight in you and rejoice over you with singing."

I felt in the desert yesterday.  I was desolate.  I spent the day in mourning over what I should or shouldn't have done.  But this morning my reflection turned to how God parents us.  How in the world does he offer his grace each time we stumble, make wrong choices or deliberately disobey him?  Only through the cross can he offer us those things.  Just as important, only through the Holy Spirit can I offer gracious parenting.  After all she's not my child, she is His.  I am only a steward over her for a short while.  

This is love, this is hate...
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Father God,

Today help me rely on you, "the Living One who sees me."  Help me to remember that you see me as redeemed and righteous by the blood of Jesus.  Help me to forgive 70 times 7, even in just one day.  Guide me in resting in you and not beating myself up from yesterday's desolate place.  Remind me that Peanut is yours and my job is to guide her towards you.  Show me how to parent and where I need to relax my parenting skills by offering more grace and where I need to strengthen my parenting skills.  It is such a fine line.  Most of all, rebuild the relationship that has been lost with my daughter.  Help us to work together.  Teenagers struggle with so much.  For so many it is a battle lost.  But help me remember that this battle is yours and yours alone.  Thank you for being the Father we both so desperately need.  Help us seek you.  Amen

Mercy (Live From LIFT: A Worship Leader Collective)

Definition of Mercy:  compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm. Mercy is defined as God's love in action.  

synonyms:

leniency, clemency, compassion, grace, charity, forgiveness, forbearance, humanity; More soft-heartedness, tenderheartedness, kindness, sympathy, liberality, tolerance, generosity, magnanimity, beneficence "He showed no mercy to the others"

"Mercy"
(While listening to the song, each time Mercy is said, 
replace "God's love in action")

I will kneel in the dust
at the foot of the cross,
where mercy paid for me.
Where the wrath I deserve,
it is gone, it has passed.
Your blood has hidden me.

Mercy, mercy,
as endless as the sea.
I'll sing Your hallelujah
for all eternity.

We will lift up the cup
and the bread we will break,
remembering Your love.
We were fallen from grace,
but You took on our shame
and nailed it to a cross.

Mercy, mercy,
as endless as the sea.
I'll sing Your hallelujah
for all eternity.
[repeat]

May I never lose the wonder,
oh, the wonder of Your mercy.
May I sing Your hallelujah.
Hallelujah, Amen.
[repeat 3x]

May I never lose the wonder,
oh, the wonder of Your mercy.
May I sing Your hallelujah.
Hallelujah, Amen.
[repeat]

I will kneel in the dust
at the foot of the cross,
where mercy paid for me.

Peace Be Still - Rush of Fools with Lyrics

It's back to school time... as a parent... it is stressful as your child begins a new year, maybe a milestone year, my daughter started high school this year.  As a teacher, its a different kind of stress... making sure every child is well cared for, that all paperwork is submitted on time and that the parent's of the kids in your class feel comfortable leaving their children in your care.

It is exhausting.

I was reading this afternoon about Mary and Martha.  Its no secret that I am a Martha.  Like Emily Freeman in Grace for the Good Girl, I feel Martha gets a bad reputation.  I believe her motives were pure in wanting to provide the very best for her guests.  But when her motives became "self reliant" is when she made her mistake.  She knew her guests needed feeding and caring for.  She was eager to do it, but midway... somewhere... it became a burden.  When she asked Jesus to ask Mary to help, Jesus gently said, "Martha, Martha, You are worried  and bothered about so many things but only one thing matters." (Luke 10:41-42)

Grace for the Good Girl challenged me today to look at the things that I am worried and bothered by.  What things are on my "to do" list?  What would happen if just for today, I gave that list to Jesus?  What kind of impact would it have on my day?  I can answer those questions with this song.  If I could simply let go and let Jesus have the things that worry me most, I would be able to rest in Him.  I would be able to sit at His feet and relax.

"This is a Savior who accepts us just the way we are- Mary or Martha or a combination of both- BUT loves us too much to leave us that way.  He is the one who can give us a Mary heart in a Martha world."  Joanna Weaver, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World.

Plumb - ONE DROP (official lyric)

Tonight, I put to bed my little girl.  Tomorrow, she wakes up a high school freshman.  She came into my room crying before bed saying how anxious she was and how she just didn't know if she could fit in at a high school much less a NEW high school.  Life has thrown us so many curve balls this year and it almost felt like a punch below the belt when she said that.  No parent lives to make their child's life more difficult and sometimes circumstances are just beyond our control.

I did as I typically do.  I talked and listened for about 20 minutes and encouraged her and told her to hop in bed so I could shower.  As I showered I became convicted that I missed a perfect parenting moment with her. So, I hopped right out, threw on some clothes and ran back into her room.  She was almost asleep.  (No matter how old they are, your child is beautiful while they sleep.)

She sat up as I walked in and I asked her if we could pray together.  I prayed over her while she was listening.  I prayed for God's peace to be upon her as she slept.  I prayed that she would let her light shine tomorrow and that the other kids would see the beautiful creature God created her to be.  I thanked God for friends that are in her life now and for her future friends.  Then... I squeezed her hand... and she began to pray out loud.  Amazing that my daughter who some days tells me she doesn't believe in God or adamantly doesn't trust Him because of her past.  Tonight she listened as I spoke to her Heavenly Father and then she spoke to Him.  She shared her fears of making friends and of getting lost.  It was sweet music to my ears and brought tears to my eyes....

I can only imagine the tears that are running down the face of our Heavenly Father.

Anchor - Hillsong Live (New 2013 Album) Best Worship Song with Lyrics

Today I read about Paul's "Stormy trip" in Acts 27:13-44.  I have heard the story many times but the commentary I read really focused on the portion of the story about the anchors.  In verse 29, it says, "the sailors were afraid we would hit the rocks, so they threw 4 anchors into the water and prayed for daylight to come.  The author talks about those four anchors being the anchor of trust, hope, purpose and fellowship.  These words really spoke to me.  

The anchor of trust:  God is present.  He is always present.  He is near to the brokenhearted.  We can trust that he will be with us in whatever we are facing in life.  

The anchor of hope: God has been faithful to me in this recent time of chaos and crisis.  He has proven over and over again that He is trustworthy and I can count on Him.  Sometimes trusting him means waiting til the last minute for his provision.  I don't have to hope in a god who may or may not show up.  My God will show up.  

The anchor of purpose:  Paul wasn't worried about the ship or the storm.  He knew his purpose had not been complete so he knew he would be safe.  Last spring, I asked a friend, "What do I do now?"  He simply said, "You parent your daughter."  That is my purpose.  Working with families is my purpose.  But my most important purpose is to glorify God and enjoy Him. I think that also involves showing joy to others that draw them to the hope I have in Christ Jesus.  

The anchor of fellowship:  I could write a novel on the way I have been supported over the past 6 months.  God has placed people in my life that seem to "show up" when I need them most.  I started this journey with a core group of about 10 people.  Over the summer, God has given me unique opportunities to meet new people.   To encourage fellowship with new members of my support system.  

The quote above means so much.  I am not the same person I was at the beginning of January.  I owe it all to my Lord who has sustained me, comforted me, and loved me through this difficult time.  I am sure the storm is not really over.  There are still obstacles I must face but I know that I am not the same person.  I have a  God that I can count on, hope in, serve and share with others.    

At The Foot Of The Cross

"I believe God is good and that something good will come from this" was my pad answer in January.  I believed it but I didn't know how it would all work out.  I believed, truly believed, God would make beauty from the ashes but the "HOW" part was the big question.  Through recent devotion time, impromptu meetings with friends and watching God perform miracles I have seen His strength and beauty.

God has revealed to me in two separate conversations that He has protected myself and my family from what I thought would be harsh judgement.  People didn't realize the pain I had struggled with over the past few months.  They had no idea that "I was THAT Melissa."  To me, it was the most encouraging news I had received because it showed that God was helping me change into the person He wanted me to be through this time of refinement.  He is teaching me moment by moment, that He is trading my suffering for beauty, true beauty, His beauty.  It is only at the foot of the cross that he makes me complete.  I don't think I would have ever learned that without the past 7 months of crisis.  So suffering stinks... it always will.  But over a period of time, we will see beauty come from it, as we trust in God.  Now. not only can I say with confidence, "I believe God is good and that something good will come from this" but I can share how God has changed my life.  Hopefully one day that will be an encouragement to others.

"Jesus thank you tonight that you take the broken places in our lives, Lord and make them new.
Take the bitterness Lord and make it sweet,  The destitute places in our lives Lord, you give us hope.
Lord for the ashes of our life Lord, you give us beauty
Clothe us with your beauty Jesus.
Its your unfailing love Lord, that keeps giving into our lives
You're beautiful to us tonight Jesus"

Aaron Shust - Watch Over Me (With Lyrics)

An update on a post a few days ago when I was struggling to make a decision...

I was trying to decide whether to move or not and whether to take the plunge into home ownership. The stress was killing me.  I was depressed and panicked.  I didn't sleep and I couldn't keep still.  All my time was spent online looking at houses or meeting with realtors.  Honestly, I lost the last two weeks of my summer.  I could call this time, "my darkest hour."

Do I have a home right now?  Yes.  But now that our journey has shifted, Peanut and I need much less space in a house and a much less house payment.  I have wanted to move since March but I struggled with it.  Those around me told me I would know when the time was right to start looking.  So I waited, and waited and waited.  Finally when God gave me a "green light", I went crazy.  I knew what I wanted, I let others influence my decision, and I looked at things that didn't meet the criteria above- more affordable and less space.  Several times I thought God had worked it out and several times I "felt this house is the one God is going to give me."

Finally last Thursday I let it go.  It was an overwhelmingly emotional time.  I had 3 houses left to look at.  A dear friend from church called me about a meeting at church.  In that conversation, he asked permission to talk to another couple on my behalf who were looking to rent their home soon.  I agreed.  I called the couple later that evening and we scheduled for us to meet on Sunday after church.  Remember this is still Thursday night.  On Friday morning, I followed the lead and let my realtor show me 3 more houses... no, no, and maybe.  But the maybe turned into a no when I learned they wouldn't come down on the price.

Saturday I was a nervous wreck.  We got out of the house and stayed busy.  I had truly let it go.  If God was going to let us move then this rental was our only hope.  Our last option.  It was emotional to know that we might be called to stay in our current home for a bit longer- til Christmas at least.  This was heartbreaking to think about it, but I agreed to be open to it, if it was God's will.

On Sunday as I drove to their home, I heard Oceans by Hillsong United.  It seems to be the background music to my life.  The house was the Lord's provision.  When I let it go, he provided.  It may not be the way I had planned... buying a house, but it was the way he had planned... renting a much smaller home and letting someone else in my church provide for us.  I get teary thinking about it now.  God knew my need yet, until I knew my depravity, he couldn't meet my need.  He lovingly waited for me to surrender so that He could provide.  I can't say, I did anything other than accept his gift.

Romans 8:26-27  "The Spirit helps us with our weakness.  We do not know how to pray as we should but the Spirit himself speaks to God for us, even begs God for us with deep feelings that words cannot explain.  God can see what is in people's hearts.  And he knows what is in the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit speaks to God for his people in the way God wants."

These Hard Times - Needtobreathe (With Lyrics)

Here is what my devotional guide said this morning," Worry is thinking turned toxic, the imagination picturing the worst.  The word, 'worry' comes from the root "to choke or strangle."  Worry chokes and strangles our capacity to think, hope and dream."

If those words are convincing enough it goes on to say, "At the core, it is a low-grade fever of agnosticism.  When we worry, we express a lurking form of doubt that God either knows, cares or is able to do anything.  It is a form of loneliness- facing eventualities by ourselves on our meager strength."

The answer is found in Scripture in Matthew 6, where Jesus addresses some of the biggest worries in life at that time and still those worries that plague many people around the world... what we will eat, drink and wear.  Now days, in America, our worries are endless.... more complicated... and often less monumental if we can step back and see them through God's eyes.  How do I get ahead in my job?  Can I say "no" when I feel I should say "yes"?  Can I afford this or that?  Do I need this or that?

Jesus gives us the answer to these questions as well.  We only have one concern in life... "to put God first in our lives.  Then our only anxiety will be that we may miss the real reason we were born: to seek first the kingdom of God and to be right with Him."

I struggle with worry.  I worry over the smallest details in life.  I feel the loneliness of trying to figure it all out on my own.  (It is one of my biggest idols- self reliance.)  But one thing I have learned in the past 48 hours is that when I feel there is no answer to my worries and I am exhausted from "trying to fix it", God steps up and provides.  He provides in ways that we couldn't dream of.  Honestly, I think it took me finally letting go and realizing I had no other choice but to let him handle it.

"Give me the answer

give me a way out

Give me the faith 

to believein these hard times."

The Beauty of Grace - Krystal Meyers

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong"
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"To 'grow in grace' means to utilize more and more grace to live by, until everything we do is assisted by grace.  The greatest saints are not those who need less grace but those who consume the most grace, who indeed are the most in need of grace- those who are saturated by grace in every dimension of their being.  Grace to them is like breath."
-Dallas Willard, Renovation of the Heart

Part of my journey has been dealing with the sins and betrayals of others.  The pain others' have caused me and my family.  But the more I begin to heal that part of my life, the more I realize the sins and betrayals of my own life.  The pain I caused God.  I am reading a book, a big surprise, and it talks of "surface sins"- those sins that can be videotaped and recorded.  For example, gossip or lying can be surface sins because we can minimize those sins and most of the time they are rooted in a lack of love.

I have surface sins.  There have been times that I haven't been a loyal friend or times when I have let my flesh lead my decisions or times I have taken control of my life thinking I knew better than God.  But I also have much greater sins.  I haven't gotten that far in my book, so I don't know what the book calls the "really big sins."  These are the things you would never want the world to know about you.  Trust me, I am not going to use this blog as a confessional.  However I am going to tell you that God is dealing with me in a very personal way at revealing times when I have betrayed him, my family and those closest to me.  He is showing me that after repentance, and truly turning away from those sins, the Holy Spirit moves in and cleanses me.

That is why I have chosen this song.  When I feel the regret and sadness of those dark places, I listen to these words and remind myself that I am not that person anymore.  The Beauty of Grace is that Jesus took care of it... the surface sins as well as the deepest sins in my heart.

But anywhere you are

is never too far away

There's freedom from your scars

The mistakes that you've made

FORGIVEN

The memories erased

That's the Beauty of Grace

Peter Cetera - One Clear Voice

Another flashback song... I have always wondered what kind of decision is being made in this song.  This week I am having to make a big decision... probably the biggest decision I have made in my life other than adopting Peanut and marriage.  I wouldn't say marriage was a mistake but given my current situation I often doubt my abilities to make lifelong decisions.  As I have blogged before, we have to remember that God sees life on a continuum and forever is our destination.  The decision I am facing will not go with me into heaven but in making this decision I want to make sure I am future focused.

I have been trying to listen to God's voice about making choices.  I have searched Scriptures and read about Samuel's unique calling on his life.  I have shared with close friends and family about this decision.  As my mom said, "I can't make this decision for you.  You have to live with it."

What it boils down to is:  Am I fearful of this decision because I doubt God to perform the miracle I need?  or Am I extra cautious in this decision because God has given me the spirit of discernment and I am feeling that in my core?  Today I found a journal entry from years past and from an old devotional.

"Hezekiah spread his dilemma before the Lord.  There are three steps in discerning the will of  God.  First, tell Him your need.  Ask Him to give you wisdom to know what He wants and the courage to do it.  Second, wait.  Silence is crucial.  Give God a chance to impute insight and direction.  Read the Bible quietly.  It is His word and he uses it to instruct His people in His will.  Then third, act on what you have discovered knowing that He can use even our mistakes for His glory."  Pretty simple right???    I do ok other than the waiting, silence part.  What the devotional adds are some questions to ask when making a big decision.  I think these are the most helpful.

By doing it, will I grow closer to the Lord?

Is it in keeping with the message of Jesus Christ?

Is it in keeping with the Ten Commandments?

Will the kingdom of God be extended?

Will it bring ultimate good of all involved?  

Is it an expression of love?

Can I do it feeling comfortable with the Lord's presence in it?

Will it be for the Lord's glory or just my own?

The last two questions really make the decision for me.  God is telling me "no".  This is not the plan I have for you.  Now, the question is... do I have the courage to follow through???

www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWHBYIYWZ34

Steven Curtis Chapman - Not Home Yet

Part two of this blog deals with preparation mentality.  (Again taken from Forever by Paul David Tripp)  Preparation mentality is waking up each morning knowing that this world is not as it was meant to be.  It is realizing that this is not our final destination and God is preparing another world for us.  What he is preparing is a place where we are not broken and our world is not broken but for now we must understand our need for redemption.

"Living with preparation mentality also means living with the knowledge that God is using disappointments and difficulties of this world to prepare us for the next.  He uses the pressures of the present to craft us into the kind of individuals that he would CHOOSE to spend eternity with."

That thought amazes me... God is forming me into the kind of person He would want to spend eternity with.  "There are important character changes that grace needs to work in us to make us ready for our final destination.  And God is using this present moment to produce in us sturdy hope.  As by his grace we experience tastes of what is to come, we don't panic in the face of difficulty and disappointment, because we know God is moving us toward a place where suffering of this present moment will be no more."

I am a work of grace.  The character changes in my life in the past 7 months have been all about grace and the work of Christ.  I love the image of pilgrims traveling home.  It's in the Old and New Testament.  People setting up portable dwelling places along the way.  "Your tent reminds you that you are not at your destination yet."

Keep on looking ahead

let you heart not forget 

I know there will be a moment 

I know there will be a place 

when we will see our Savior 

and fall into his embrace 

so let us not grow weary 

or too content to stay. 

cause we are not home yet.  

Amy Grant - In a little while

This is part one of a two part blog.  I'm reading Forever- Why you can't live without it.  I have mentioned it before.  But today, I wanted to share one of the two significant parts of the book. The book talks about 2 mentalities we live our lives with:  Destination mentality verses preparation mentality.   I think this old Amy Grant song, reminds me of destination mentality.  (I will talk about preparation mentality in part 2 of this blog.)

Destination mentality says that we live today as if it is all there is.  "We try to pack into our present life all the pleasure, happiness, excitement we can.  We do this because what comes with the thought that this life is all there is, is an inescapable fear that somehow life will pass us by.  Here is what destination mentality fails to understand: our complete, present, personal happiness is not what God is working on in the here and now.  Because the plan of his grace is to deliver us out of this world to one that is much better."

How many times in the past week have I tried to live life with this destination mentality?  The need to make immediate decisions about my daughter's high school education.  The need to find housing for our small family where negative memories aren't in every corner of every room.  The need to begin the forgiveness process with difficult people in my life.  The need to make it all better.  The need to dull the pain I feel by spending time with those who are closest to me and who will make me feel better about myself.

This is not God's plan for me.  This is not all there is.  He has a plan.  His ultimate plan is to wrap his arms around me and smile, to sing over me, to prepare me for a glorious reunion in heaven.  The details of my day to day living are to prepare me for a forever.

"We're just here to learn to love him, we're just here to learn to love Him."

Hillsong Live - Forever Reign

You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin-  There was a time about 6 months ago, when all I could do was cry through this song at church.  I couldn't see any good in me or in my situation.  It was a dark place and I clung to the hope... that's all I had... the HOPE THAT HE HAD COVERED ALL MY SIN.

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost its sting-  Then there was a beginning of a shift, maybe at 2 months.  In spending late nights and early mornings alone with God, I began to feel His peace and presence.  I had no trouble believing that he was true because I had been taught that all my life but was he "REALLY" true?  In my situation I had a choice to make, would I cling to his truth or would I wander?  I can say I didn't feel the joy and I definitely didn't feel like singing. 

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go-  Fast forward to April, and I could at least sing this song... at least parts.  I knew that God was more than I could ever put into words... I was living proof that he was sustaining me on a moment by moment basis.  I was learning that his presence was real in my life and I was beginning to see glimpses of healing.  He was making me whole.  The "letting go" part was hard, but at that point, I didn't have another choice. 

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign-  No matter the circumstance, I clung to what I knew... Jesus.  I clung to people who were Jesus to me.  They were there on day one and they are here now.  It has come full circle in that now 6 1/2 months later, I am slowly moving on.  I am learning to live, to live outside my safety zone, to pick up the pieces and to begin to live.  In the last week, I have made some grown up decisions.  But instead of fretting about it, there is peace.... at least most of the time.  When the fretting does make its way into my heart, I can sing the next part....

My heart will sing
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus-  Life isn't always a bed of roses.  Some days stink. Some days go by with little emotion.  Some days are filled with a new emotion... joy.  But no matter what, I want to always sing... Jesus... Jesus. Now when we sing this song at church, I'm the one crying like a baby... but its because I see the hand of God moving me through each stanza of this verse.  It fluctuates, just like grief does... denial, acceptance, anger, bargaining... I can be all over the place... but as long as my heart can sing Jesus, I will be ok.   

Avalon- I Don't Want To Go - lyrics

Today I was reading about "The Lord's Prayer".  Actually I have been reading a short essay on it for several days in which the author breaks it down into phrases but todays phrase really stuck out to me.

"Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." 

-Matthew 6:10

 

The author says that in naming this "The Lord's Prayer" it sounds misleading.  Really it is Jesus' model prayer or "The Disciples Prayer".  Jesus was teaching his followers how to pray.  Pretty interesting that Jesus said the same prayers when he was alone with his Father in the garden.  "Thy will be done." 

 

The author says that if we are praying this prayer with sincerity there are "three pressing possibilities: what we want, what others want for us, and what God wants of us.  To pray "your will be done" is to take the kingdom of God as Jesus revealed it as our charter and to make our decisions based on that. 

 

When we pray this prayer,  God will guide us in what to do and then he will give us the courage to do it.  "When we surrender our wills to the Lord, accept his love and forgiveness through the cross, and invite Him to live in us, we begin life all over.  Christ guides us in each decision and shapes our character into His image."

 

 

Am I really "gutsy" enough to live out this prayer?  God has proven himself faithful beginning the day he surrendered his life on the cross for my benefit.  But what about today, July 24, 2014?  Can I be bold enough to say, I let go...  I surrender all of this day to your ways and I will trust you will give me the courage to do what you have called me to do?  I know that I don't want to go somewhere/anywhere where God is not in the midst of each decision or each step that I take.  

 

 

all quotes are from "God's Best for my Life" by Ogilvie

All Sons and Daughters-Wake Up

We have seen the pain
that shaped our hearts
And in our shame
We're still breathing, 'cause

We have seen the hope
of your healing
Rising from our souls
is the feeling
We are drawing close
Your light is shining through
Your light is shining through

Wake up, wake up, wake up
wake up all you sleepers
Stand up, stand up
Stand up all you dreamers
Hands up, hands up
Hands up all believers
Take up your cross, carry it on

all that you reveal
with light in us
will come to life
and start breathing, 'cause

here we stand our hearts are yours, Lord
not our will but yours be done, Lord

 

I'm reading a book called Mended Pieces of a life made whole by Angie Smith.  After a period of loss in her life, she felt the Lord's prompting to break a pitcher.  As she broke it, she asked God, "What next?"  What God told her was to put it back together.  She explains how daunting of a task it was.  She says it took most of the night to glue each piece into the proper place.  But what she learned was so valuable.  She learned that God uses the cracked parts of our lives to allow His light to shine through us.  Without the cracks, the light wouldn't shine through. 

 

I share this because the cracks in my life are slowly being glued back together by the ultimate craftsman and this song perfectly describes the desire of my heart.  I want to be healed.  I want to be mended.  I want to be put back together in His way.  I want my cracks to radiate with His joy and beauty.  I want to wake up and start living again. 

 

 

all that you reveal
with light in us
will come to life
and start breathing, 'cause

here we stand our hearts are yours, Lord
not our will but yours be done, Lord 

 

Danny Gokey - Hope in Front of Me (Official Lyric Video)

 

"Hope In Front Of Me"

 

There's a place at the end of the storm
You finally find
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain
All fall behind
You open up your eyes and up ahead
There's a big sun shining
Right then and there you realize
You'll be alright

Who knew 6 months ago I would ever say these words?  Today God provided a huge miracle.  A gift that I didn't deserve and something that was beyond my wildest dream.  It got me thinking about the little gifts that God has been giving me each moment for the past 6 months.  God gave me sunshine.  God gave me the smiles of the kids I work with... He gave me extra cuddle time on the days when I felt unloved.  God gave me friends who sought me out even when I felt unwanted.  God guided me to books and scriptures that spoke directly into the depths of my lonely heart.  God sustained me not only emotionally and physically but also financially. 

All of these thoughts brought me back to the biggest gift... even bigger than my miracle.  God gave me hope.  Not hope that is of this world but eternal hope.  I know my story doesn't end here.  He is still writing my story and he knows how it ends... I know how it ends... it ends with me gazing into His loving face and thanking him for his sacrifice for my sins of self dependence, my idols of wanting to be normal, my own self righteousness.  He covered all of that with his ultimate gift. 

I pray that as I continue to push forward in life and begin to leave the hard times behind, I won't forget the big and little miracles along the way.  He is my hope. 

In Christ Alone

Over the past 6 months, you have heard me mention a couple who have loved me at my most unlovely places and supported me through some very dark times.  I have also talked about my friend who kept me with an endless supply of Christian reading materials.  My Pastor Scott and his wife Amy are those people.  I can't count how many cups of coffee we have shared, how many tears have been shared and how many prayers have been offered.  Their love of Jesus and for people have impacted our entire community.  Tonight we said good bye.  Tomorrow they begin their new journey as church planters in another state. 

I have to say that if it weren't for Scott and Amy I would still be "working" on my salvation.  I would be like a hamster spinning round and round on its wheel, exhausted from the work and getting no where.  But through all the heartache that has come my way in a short period of time, Scott always pointed me straight back to Jesus.  He has been a mentor that I didn't know I needed.  She has been a friend who included this introvert in activities... included me without me realizing her encouragement to get me involved. 

I chose this song, because I can hear Amy singing it.  I can see her leading us in worship and the moment I realized that Christ Alone was my foundation.  I can hear Scott talking about the gospel in ways that this "good girl" could grasp and put into action. 

I am so excited for Scott and Amy for their faithful service to our community over the past 7 years, 3 of which I was a part of.  Scott is more than a shepherd, he is a friend.  When I said good-bye tonight, I couldn't stop crying... but not because I was sad... because I was so incredibly thankful that God had placed this family in our lives long before we knew how much we would need them. 

Casting Crowns - Thrive (Official Lyric Video)

This has quickly, almost over night, become one of my personal anthems.  When I hear it on the radio, I can't help but turn it up and sing at the top of my lungs.  It goes along with the book I spoke of a couple of blogs ago, Forever, by Paul David Tripp. 
God hasn't created us just to skimp by in life.  He has called us to thrive.  To grow, to seek him, to point others to him with our enthusiasm of our lives in him.  I am totally guilty.  I get lost in myself so much that I miss opportunities to show others the hope for which I live.  I miss sharing Jesus with people and the power of the cross.  I desire to be intentional in sharing the joy of the hope I have found in Christ Jesus.  During the past 6 months, God has been creating a life altering story in my life and part of that story is to see things-bad things, as blessings.  I pray that I remember this and that my God will continue to reveal himself in the hard times and that instead of staying in the darkness, I will choose to THRIVE.

Lord, I Need You (feat. Audrey Assad) - Acoustic

I'm reading a book by Paul David Tripp, called Forever- Why you can't live without it.  A dear friend and pastor of mine gave it to me.  I started the book at the beginning like most people do.  But I quickly realized that like most good books, the best parts were in the back.  (Being an OCD person, I struggle that I haven't read the in between pages. Please don't judge me.)  The general overview of the book is that the reason we don't enjoy our lives now is because we live "in the now" and "now" is not our destination.  Forever is what we have to look forward to.  When we start to view life in a "forever lense" things are easier to manage because we know that our God created us with forever in mind, not with our current situations and not limited to our birth and death as the world sees it. 

There was a chapter on Suffering so I jumped right in.  The actual title of the chapter is, "Suffering is harder when you have no forever."  I wish I could quote the entire chapter to you.  One of my favorite parts comes from scripture,

" Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being GUARDED through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.  In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials."
 -1 Peter 1:3-6

 

Tripp goes on to express how Peter can't think about his present trials without looking at it in light of forever.  Tripp is fascinated with the word "guarded" in this passage.  He says, "Not only does God have a plan that you are included in, but he is also with you daily and guarding you through every situation as he is preparing you for forever.  You see, guarded, means that not only is your future guaranteed, but it means that God is protecting you in the here and now as well.  If forever is in your future then God must "guard" you between now and whenever forever becomes your permanent address.  "Guarded" means you cannot only be assured of future hope, but of the right here, right now comfort of present help." 

 

The author goes on to talk about God's grace and how that grace manifests itself in our present trials.  He says, "in grace he gives me all I need to face what I am facing with courage and hope.  To do this, He gives me all the grace I need to fight bitterness, doubt of God, and the temptation to run from my faith and give way to panic and fear, bombarding myself with questions that no human can answer.  'Guarded' means that in  my moments of suffering, God provides me with protective grace and because he does, I can have "living hope".  This hope is something different than the sterile hope of distant, theological platitudes.  It is the security of real provision in desperate times of need."

 

Here is what I glean from this:  God is guarding my heart.  He is constantly with me, even when I don't feel it.  I can rest assured that He had forever in mind when he created me and he has forever in mind as I walk through this valley in my life.  I don't understand it and I don't like it but for whatever reason it is necessary for me to walk this path. 

 

 

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

 

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

 

Grace- that is what I Need to remember. 

Grace- that covers my sins.

 Grace- that gives me courage.

 Grace- that holds onto me when I am so tempted to let go. 

Grace- what I need most in this world.


Tricia Brock- What I Know (with lyrics)

I haven't blogged much this week.  Life threw me a curve ball.  It was a ball I was expecting yet when it came, it shattered my very being.  I couldn't remember how to breathe.  It was as if the last 6 months were on repeat- like the movie Groundhog Day.  Thankfully, I have a wonderful group of people- including my family who hold me together when I can't do it on my own.  But this time I had to deal with some anger.  And this time the anger was towards God.  Its hard even now to admit that my faith faltered.  I didn't know if I wanted to believe in a God who allowed such heartache.  Even when I couldn't talk to God about these feelings and heaven forbid I share those thoughts with others, still I had people speaking His love and His truth into my heart.  Bottom line is that I don't know what the future holds. So tonight, I go to bed knowing that God isn't afraid of my questions or doubts and that He will lead me to the answers I need when I need them. 

"I could throw my fist in the air demanding answers
But in spite of all the questions
I’m still giving You my life
And if it doesn’t turn out like I think it should
It doesn’t change the fact You’re always good
Your ways are higher than mine"

 

Change This Heart - Sidewalk Prophets

One of the most awesome parts of this journey I have found myself on is the grace I am finding in day to day living.  I stumble everyday.  I struggle with bitterness.  I get frustrated.  I get angry.  I often try to do things on my own.  I can cover most of these with masks and not many people see the real me.  But God sees.  He knows my motives and the condition of my heart.  What is amazing is the grace, forgiveness, I receive when I repent, ask for forgiveness.  It takes away the heaviness.  It makes me want to be a better person... not on my own strength but on His.  If I rely on myself, I will continue to stumble... moment by moment I will stumble.  But in resting in His finished work, I find peace and comfort even in my weakness and in my brokenness to live the life He has called me to live.