Randomly, I found this song online this morning. But we know that nothing is ever random when we are learning a lesson. I have been given an incredible opportunity this summer. A way to use the gifts and talents God gave me in a new way. Late last night, doubt sunk in.
Am I going to be successful at this?
What if I fail? How will I ever face my friends again?
Who would entrust this responsibility to someone who is struggling so much to live day to day?
Why did I accept this opportunity?
What was I thinking?
What were they thinking?
What about my fears of speaking in public?
What about my fears of being with other adults?
I was a sinking ship in these feelings of self-doubt. I know these thoughts are not from a Loving Father but rather from a fearful child. In itself, it was amazing that I realized this so quickly. I am typically one who continues to worry. I texted a friend and shared with her my fears. She spoke truth into my heart reminding me that God gave me this opportunity and it would be full of grace. No one expects perfection of me, other than myself.
This morning, I begin my quiet time reading, "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. What do you think it was about? Yes, self reliance rather than reliance on Christ. She says,
"Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand tailored blessings designed for you benefit and growth. Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life trusting me to bring good out of them. View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on me. When you start to feel stressed, let those feelings alert you to your need for me... Thank me for the difficulties in your life, since they provide protection from the idolatry of self reliance."
2 Corinthians 1:8-9 says, "Brothers and sisters, we want you to know about the trouble we suffered in Asia. We had great burdens there that were beyond our own strength. We even gave up hope of living. Truly in our own hearts we believed we would die. But this happened so we would not trust in ourselves but in God who raises people from the dead. God saved us from these great dangers of death and will continue to save us. We have put our hope in him and he will save us again. And you can help us with your prayers. Then many people will give thanks for us-That god blesses us because of their many prayers."
I don't know what it is like to feel persecution or like I am going to die... to literally die. But I know what it is like to feel a circumstance or fear is going to kill me. Take speaking in public... I hate it. I don't like having all eyes on me. I would rather work behind the scenes. But maybe this opportunity is not so much about me but about Him. "God saved us from these great dangers (real or imagined) and will continue to save us."
I need to remember this as I walk on this new path of my journey. God has brought me so far and for whatever reason, this new path was his choosing. Part of this journey is to rely fully on Him rather than on my own strengths. He hasn't failed me yet and I truly believe He will guide me as I begin to overcome my fears. This week-end, I will choose to breathe Him and trust him to conquer my fears. Stay tune because I am sure this is going to be a wild ride.
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