It has been an emotional evening. I have been crying for about 4 hours. It is a feeling of being overwhelmed, isolated, and just heart broken. Words cannot express where my heart is right now. I finally called a friend. I probably should have called someone hours ago but it took until 8:15 for me to talk to another live human being. I needed that. My heart needed to hear someone else speak God's truth into my heart. "I am doing more than ok. I am stronger than any of my friends ever thought I would be. This is a shitty time in my life. God is here, holding me when I can't go on. He is making beauty from this. He has surrounded me with friends who genuinely want to know when life is hard." (Some of them are frustrated that I haven't called for help sooner.)
It all comes down to pride. I thought I was finally getting there... I was overcoming... I was accepting my place in the world. I was doing it on my own. See the problem? I was never meant to live life alone. God designed us to need each other, as friends, as Christians, as families, we are wired for relationship. I see my pride in two ways: I don't want to bother people who have busy families of their own. or I don't want to let others know how incredibly sad I still get when I think of "what could have been." Either way its, PRIDE. Its me trying to live life apart from others. I was not designed that way, so no wonder it is hard to ask a friend to give me some time. I need others.
I recently read some quotes from a book my father gave me. I'm simply going to list a few that have stood out to me throughout this day:
Trust God to let you work through this moment and the next.
He will give you all you need.
Don't skip over the painful or confusing moment-
even it has its importance
and rightful place in the day.
He did not say, "You will never have a rough passage,
you will never be overstrained
you will never feel uncomfortable
but he did say, "You will never be overcome."
Julian of Norwich
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