Beautiful Things - Gungor Lyric Video

It has been an emotional evening.  I have been crying for about 4 hours.  It is a feeling of being overwhelmed, isolated, and just heart broken.  Words cannot express where my heart is right now.  I finally called a friend.  I probably should have called someone hours ago but it took until 8:15 for me to talk to another live human being.  I needed that.  My heart needed to hear someone else speak God's truth into my heart.  "I am doing more than ok.  I am stronger than any of my friends ever thought I would be.  This is a shitty time in my life.  God is here, holding me when I can't go on.  He is making beauty from this.  He has surrounded me with friends who genuinely want to know when life is hard."  (Some of them are frustrated that I haven't called for help sooner.) 

It all comes down to pride.  I thought I was finally getting there... I was overcoming... I was accepting my place in the world.  I was doing it on my own.  See the problem?  I was never meant to live life alone.  God designed us to need each other, as friends, as Christians, as families, we are wired for relationship.  I see my pride in two ways: I don't want to bother people who have busy families of their own.  or I don't want to let others know how incredibly sad I still get when I think of "what could have been."  Either way its, PRIDE.  Its me trying to live life apart from others.  I was not designed that way, so no wonder it is hard to ask a friend to give me some time.  I need others. 

I recently read some quotes from a book my father gave me.  I'm simply going to list a few that have stood out to me throughout this day:

 

Trust God to let you work through this moment and the next. 

He will give you all you need. 

 Don't skip over the painful or confusing moment-

even it has its importance

and rightful place in the day.

 

He did not say, "You will never have a rough passage,

you will never be overstrained

you will never feel uncomfortable

but he did say, "You will never be overcome."

Julian of Norwich

 

Though you Slay Me- Shane and Shane featuring John Piper

A friend posted this song to Facebook yesterday.  Someone she knew had posted it to their daughter's Caring Bridge.  I couldn't really relate because nothing I have ever experienced is like having a child with cancer.  

 

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who's broken
The one who's torn me apart
You struck down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I'll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I'll know every tear was worth it all

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need

Though tonight I'm crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You're still all that I need
You're enough for me
You're enough for me

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need
Sing a song to the one who's all I need

 

 

 

Piper says at the end that our struggles are, "working for you an eternal weight of glory.  Therefore, Therefore... do not lose heart.  But take these truths and day by day focus on them.  Preach them to yourself every morning.  Get alone with God Preach His word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for." 

 

I can't relate to losing a child or loved one to death.  The devastation of that seems far greater than the loss I have felt on my journey.  I understand the concept of losing heart.  When the ground is pulled out from under me, what will my response be?  Will I bless His name and will I still worship? Will I be confident that this trial, even though I don't see it right now, is showing me that I am new and cared for?

 

 



 

 

 

 

Blessings- Laura Story

"What if this is your miracle?" 

What if this: the pain, the questions, the loneliness, the heartache...

what if this is your miracle from God? 

I had already begun to think about this about a week ago.  No, I had not labeled this as a miracle but I had begun to see this part of my journey as a stepping stone.  I would have never been so bold to step out of my comfort zone.  I would have never problem solved this situation.  I would have remained silent and struggled through life.  I would have never learned to cling to Jesus so tightly and rely on Him so heavily if this obstacle hadn't been placed in my path.  It was so dramatic, I had no other choice than to deal with it head on.  God knew this.  He shook the ground and blindsided me to get me to where I am today. 

"What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life, is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.  What if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise?"- Blessings, Laura Story

In this recent discovery, in the above conversation over coffee, in my journaling and today in my devotional reading/Scripture suggestion, God revealed this truth: 

"So we do not give up.  Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside of us is made new everyday.  We have small troubles for a while now but they are helping us gain eternal glory that is much greater than our troubles.  We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see.  What we see will last only a short time but what we cannot see will last forever."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

In my daily journaling devotional book, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, I read,

 

"My children tend to sleep walk through their days until they bump into an obstacle that stymies them... The problem can be a ladder enabling you to climb up and see your life from My perspective.  Viewed from above, the obstacle that frustrated you is only a light and momentary obstacle.  Once your perspective has been heightened, you can look away from the problem all together.  Turn to Me and see the Light of my Presence shining upon you."

 

 

Yep... that's me.  I was sleepwalking through life.  I knew there were problems, God sized problems, and I prayed for God to provide a miracle.  Be careful what you pray for because in my case, the miracle came in a very different package than what I would have wanted.  No pretty paper or fancy bow but raw heartache that shook the very core of my being.  That is what makes Blessings, by Laura Story, so real.  God is always listening but sometimes His answers are foreign to us.  Sometimes we have to really search for where He is in the midst of our lives. 

 

Here is a little background on the song in an interview with Laura and the song follows:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=gjB2skJi2co

"There is a blessedness that comes through waiting on the Lord.  There is an intimacy in our walk in the Lord that comes through walking through that valley.  There is a reliance in his Word that we only know when everything else in life fades away."

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

as if every promise from you word is not enough.

But all the while you hear each desperate plea

and long that we have faith to believe.

What if... your blessings come through raindrops?

What if... your healing comes through tears?

What if... a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know your near?

What if... trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win

the pain reminds this heart... this is not our home.

I don't question "Why this had to happen to me" as much as I did in the first weeks and months.  I do know, I wouldn't have the intimacy and reliance on Christ in the very core of my being. He is making me new.  He is restoring me.  I don't know what that will look like next week, or in 5 years.  In the end, this will be a light and momentary trouble.  It doesn't feel that way now but one day, when I see the whole picture, I will see how small and brief it was.  In the light of eternity, this is just a fleeting trial that is drawing me closer to Jesus. 

Sometimes blessings come in unexpected ways. 


 



Enough by Chris Tomlin

Yesterday a friend posed a question.  I don't remember exactly how he said it but I remember the jest.  "Is Jesus enough?"  Through the journey of the last few months... is Jesus enough?  Do I trust Him enough to provide, not just for my physical needs but my emotional needs as well? 

It is a more complex question than I originally thought.  Yes I trust Jesus to meet my physical needs.  He has been so gracious in meeting our financial obligations and providing things that we could only imagine.  But is He enough for my heart?  Do I trust that He can fill the emptiness I feel so often on lonely nights?  What about joy?  Can I trust that He not only wants to restore my joy but wants to BE my JOY? 

Is He enough?  Yes.  He has proven Himself over and over again. 
Do I live like I believe it?   No. 

So, here is where I want my heart to rest:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0QPKbZ4rrs&list=RDc0QPKbZ4rrs

More than all I want,

more than all I need,

You are more than enough for me.

More than all I know,

more than all I can say,

You are more than enough for me.

Come on Home- OBB; Softly and Tenderly- Hymn sung by Amy Grant

What is home?  There are quotes that tell us:  Home is where you hang your hat.  Home is where my crazies live.  Home is where your heart is.  Home is the place where when you have to go there, they have to take you in.  Charity begins at home but it shouldn't end there.

I went back to my hometown last spring.  It was so cool to drive down the streets that I used to cruise.  I remember community soccer clubs.  I remember being 13 and finally able to go to the swimming pool without my parents supervision.  I remember Christmas parties where all of our neighbors and church friends came for open house to begin the holiday season and where we prepared homemade chocolates for them.  The love we felt there.  I remember home.  As I went back, I realized that there was heartache there too.  Where my dad left us and how my mom struggled.  I left my small community saddened by how things had changed.  Home wasn't what I thought it would be like 24 years later. 

As an adult child, I have realized that home isn't a place but rather a group of people that bind themselves together.  I was raised by my mom... but I was also raised by two grandparents, an aunt and with a brother and 2 cousins.  That was our family and that was our home.  On Sundays, we would meet, faithfully, at my grandparents home to share a meal.  Their house was home as much as my house was home.  But just as my  house in Nashville wasn't home, now Easley is no longer my home.

As I now begin the journey of finding a home for myself and my daughter, I find that home seems elusive.  It seems that every place we look isn't the right house... something is missing.  I think home is more about a Person, rather than four walls and paint.  Home is where you go when you need refreshment, restoration and relaxation.  I don't know that I will ever find "home" this side of heaven.  That is our ultimate home, our eternal destination. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7kB7MQ96HM

This song describes coming home.  I am reminded of the story of The Prodigal Son.  I have recently read a book called, The Prodigal God, which I have blogged about before.  It describes that the Father, God, was the extravagant one.  He spent everything to bring us "home". 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llW43xp_BXc&feature=kp

Here is a song I  grew up singing.  It again describes God watching for you and for me- beckoning us to "come home." 

Come Home, Come home

ye who are weary come home.

Earnestly and tenderly Jesus is calling

Calling oh sinner come home.

 

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to "go home."  To a place where there is no more heartache, sickness, death or pain.  A place where we can truly hang our hats, and have our souls refreshed.  For now, I will try to create a home where God is the central figure, a home filled with laughter, and joy, grace for my daughter and filled with peace for all who enter.  

Christ is Risen- Matt Maher

The past few days have been a struggle.  I went home to spend some time with my mom.  During that time I encountered a couple of "freak out" situations which caused me to feel down and almost depressed.  I have come so far in the last 3 1/2 months and I tend to get frustrated when I feel I have taken a step backwards. 

On Friday morning, Good Friday, it was cold outside- not at all like the spring weather we had been having.  By afternoon it began to rain.  I have always known the significance of Good Friday but this year I felt it so much more in my core.  Jesus DIED on this day.  He suffered on this day.  God turned his back on his son on this day.  The gloomy weather made it feel so much more real. 

On Saturday, more gloomy weather and more gloomy heart.  I felt sad and I felt alone after we came back home.  It was the first time in almost a week that I felt alone.  I went to Scripture and read the story of the crucifixion of my Jesus.  Something in my heart began to change.  I began to wonder what the disciples, Jesus' mother and other followers did on that day.  Did they feel alone? abandoned? confused?  What was the weather like?  Was it a reflection of their mood?  I went to bed feeling the same gloom.  I began worrying about things that I don't have control over and I definitely let worry take over. 

But then Sunday arrived.  I woke up early... to the sound... not of rain but of birds singing.  The sun is beginning to shine and the ground is beginning to dry.  He is alive.  Just as the women say the stone rolled away, He is alive.  Just as He appeared to the disciples, He is alive.  Just as He called to doubting Thomas, He is calling me. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8QVwC6RWUc

This is a great song on this Easter Sunday.  Death has lost its sting, hell has no victory.  God wins.  He is victorious over death.  He is in control of the weather and gloomy times in my life.  He died on the cross to show his power and might.  Today is about rejoicing.  Creation began rejoicing many years ago.  Today, I choose to share in that rejoicing. 

"The heavens declare the glory of the Lord; the skies proclaim the work of His hands.  Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge" Psalms 19:1-2

It is Well with my Soul- written by Horatio Spafford and sung by Sam Robson

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vG525x2mUTU&list=RDvG525x2mUTU

A favorite song of mine from my youth.  I remember being at a funeral when this song was played.  They shared the story of how the song was written.  You can read it here:

http://voices.yahoo.com/horatio-g-spafford-story-behind-hymn-is-1620793.html

During the funeral I watched a young mother say good-bye to her preschool child.  I felt the words to this song deeply.  I couldn't imagine how God could allow such heartache.  That mom would never be the same again. 

Someone challenged me this week about where God was in the midst of my life situation.  I told her the answer I have been giving everyone,"God is good and something good would come from this."  She continued to ask, "Where is your God in this?"  I couldn't understand the question fully.  I thought, "God is sovereign.  He is in control.  He is listening to my prayers and He feels my sorrow."  She explained, "God GAVE you this trial in your life." 

OUCH...  Why would HE give me this?  Couldn't He have gotten my attention in a less hurtful way?  I began to realize my defense mechanisms. I immediately began to come up with self justification- I have lived a fairly decent life.  I have followed most of the commandments and I have trusted Jesus to be my Savior.  Then came the truth, the prompting of the Holy Spirit: BUT I have not lived as though Jesus is my only salvation.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul. 
 

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!  

 

I don't know why I am where I am.  But what I do know is that I have never been more aware of what Jesus did for me on the cross. He literally gave his blood for me.  He gave himself to suffering, shame, all for my sins.  He took my sinfulness, all of my sinfulness, my self justification, my selfishness, my shame and turned it into something for his glory. 

 

I can completely trust Him to take this journey and weave it together for good.  His goodness... His glory... His purpose. 
  

Say Something- A Great Big world/ Christina Aguilera- Sung by Penatonix

Penatonix has been a personal favorite group since they were on The Sing Off two years ago.  Their ability to take any song and style it to their own amazes me.  When I heard this song on the radio, I googled it and immediately found this version:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dYlvdLdK9w

I don't know why I am drawn to this song.  Maybe its the peacefulness of the melody with the conviction of the words.

"Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

and I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

Anywhere I would have followed you"

 

 

It's hard to say good-bye.  It's hard to give up.  It's even harder when you banked all of your happiness, hopes, dreams and future on someone who couldn't do the same.  I can say that when I said, "I do" I meant it and "would have followed you" to the ends of the earth.  Sometimes circumstances change- you see someone for the first time in a new light.  Someone you really didn't know at all.  Sometimes you have no choice but to say, " will swallow my pride.  You're the one that I love and I'm saying Good-bye."

 

But there is someone else who loves us and NEVER says good-bye.  Christ's love song to us is the complete opposite of these lyrics.  It would read something like this:

 

"You don't have to say anything, I'm not giving up on you.

Let go of your pride

You're the one that I Love

and I could never say good-bye.

You don't have to say anything, I'm never giving up on you.

No matter what, I gave my life for you.

Anywhere you go, I will come for you."

 

 

There is the gospel, the Good News, for today.  He never lets go, He never says good-bye.  He is with us when we have to let go and say good-bye.  He holds us in His lap as we grieve and He gives us peace in the darkness.  I will hold onto that promise.



You are More- Tenth Avenue North

There are many songs that you hear every day that never really hit home.  Songs that have a good beat, or melody that you just hum along to when you are driving to and from work.  Songs that you sing in church that don't register in your heart.  This is one of those songs.  I have listened to it for years on the radio and learned the words without really understanding them.  That is until about 30 minutes ago. 

See I have become a fan of Ann Voskamp over the past 4 months or so.  She is an incredible writer and posts the incredible quotes on FB and Pinterest for all to see.  Here is the one I just saw:

I struggle with hard work.  I like to know the answers.  I have a hard time feeling loved for the sake of being loved.  But what I am learning in my journey is that I am loved.  I am accepted.  
Through Jesus, I AM MORE LOVED AND ACCEPTED THAN I COULD EVER IMAGINE.  I don't have to work for that love or that acceptance.  I don't have to know it or even understand it. 

As I read the words to this post, I began humming, "you are more than the choices that you make, you are more than the sum of past mistakes..."  I googled the refrain and found it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgi-G-dHYkY

Here are some of my take aways:

"She knows all the answers
and she's rehearsed all the lines
and she'll try to do better
but she's too weak to try."

"Cause this is not about what you've done
but what's been done for you. 
This is not about where you've been
but where your brokenness brings you to. 
This is not about what you build
but what He built to forgive you
and what He built to make you know...

You are MORE"

If I can just remember that it's not about ME, its about Him.

The Prodigal God- Tim Keller/ When Love takes you in- Steven Curtis Chapman

I am reading a book called "The Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller. (My pastor LOVEs to give us books.)  Tim Keller is a minister in New York that has a good sense of the gospel and how it should move us.  He took this famous parable and gave it an interesting name change.  His idea is that the parable is about 2 lost sons, and the Father's prodigal giving for them. 

prod-I-gal- adjective
1.  recklessly extravagant
2.  having spent everything.

I must admit that I am the eldest son.  I am a Pharisee.  I thrive on control and order and ultimately I rely on my own "goodness" far too often.  I like the accolades of a job well done.  I can be judgmental and sadly- self righteous.  It is not a pretty picture.  Reading back over the last few sentences, I sound like a pretty crummy person. 

Thank goodness the Story of The 2 Lost Sons gives us hope as elder sons.  God, our Father, seeks out and begs us to come into his love and the feast he has set before us.   Unfortunately, our pride gets in the way.  We choose to stay angry and sit outside the door of the party.  Can you say stubborn or strongwilled??? I can.   But God our Father wanted us in the party.  So he sent someone to us to help us deal with our sinfulness.  Jesus, our brother, came into this world to be the ultimate BIG BROTHER.  He wanted to make things right between his younger brothers and his Father so he went to the cross.  At the cross he paid for my sinfulness, my arrogance, my self righteousness and my need for complete control.  When Calvary was finished, I the elder son, could go into the party and accept the Father's love.  It was finished.  The is no more "working" to be good enough or being judgemental of others because I want to appear better than them. 

I can now come to my Father reunited in that redeeming love and have relationship with him because Jesus paid it all. 

I was listening to a song today and it seemed to fit with this book so well.  It is a song I found for my Peanut's adoption party.  (She laugh if she knew I was calling her that.)  It talks of a child waiting for a place to come home- and as I was driving today pondering the book and pondering about my new life God has thrust upon me.  I thought... hmm... God is trying to make a point. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beZ5hF-qZDY

"When Love takes you in, everything changes.
The miracle starts.  With a beat of a heart
When Love takes you home, and says you belong here.
The loneliness ends, and a new life begins.
When Love takes you in."- lyrics

My personal paraphrase:
When God takes you in, everything changes.
The miracle starts with the beat of a heart.
When God takes you home, and says you belong here.
The extreme loneliness ends and you are born again.
When LOVE takes you in.

The Father in the story loved his sons equally for different reasons.  One son ran and greeted his dad and was very relieved for the love.  However the eldest son stood back and waited for his father to come to him.  When the Father finally came to him, this son was angry.  To know that God does pursue his children and longs to love them no matter who they are.  He longs for us.  He longs for me to let down my pride, my self-rightness, my own justifications.  Just lay them down and enjoy the Creator, The father, our God. 

So I will try to live as an adopted daughter of the Father.  I will be quieted in his Love and bask in his presence, knowing that I will never be enough.  God provided Jesus to be enough. 

"And his love will never let you go, There is nothing that could ever cause this love to loose its hope. "