Show Me - Audrey Assad (lyrics onscreen)

There was a "pause" in life last week.

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about... a pause in the grief cycle... a time when you feel like you're on the right track and are focused on the present and future will little regard to the past.  And then, all of a sudden, something reminds you of the past, of what you've been through.  It could be a scent, a song, really anything that brings you back to that place... sadness, darkness, uncertainty.

My pause came last Wednesday afternoon.  Someone delivered some items that had been taken from me at the beginning of my grief.  They were things I had never anticipated getting back and honestly, I was living fine without them.  But there they were, items in a brown cardboard box.  Literally just things... pretty insignificant to the outside world, but OH so real to my heart.

I have to be honest, it caused me to step back into the past.  I felt sad, distraught, alone.  I tried to pick myself up but for some reason, I stayed stuck in that place.  Luckily I knew what I needed to do.  I reached out.  I called my mom, texted friends and then spent lots of time with God. I allowed myself time to be depressed and sad.  I didn't fight it.  I knew fighting it wouldn't work.  But I also knew I didn't need to stay stuck in that dark place.

On Thursday, I went and saw a couple who have dealt with similar grief and together we talked it out.  I cried, they prayed and we "fellowshipped" over mixed nuts and water.  (Funny, what you remember about life.)  As I was leaving, they lovingly encouraged me to let them help me sort through the brown box.  We opened the trunk and I began to sort through the things I knew I didn't need or want.  It took less than 5 minutes to get from a brown box to a small ziplock bag full of memories.

In that 5 minutes, God restored my heart.  He reassured me that He had brought me thus far.  He put people in my life that I couldn't say "no" to because He knew I needed to let it go.  God took that brokenness and renewed my spirit by reminding me of the new creation I am in Him.  

Let me go like a life upon the water

let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea

and I will disappear into a deeper beauty.

But for now, just stay with me.

Oh God, just stay with me.