Show Me - Audrey Assad (lyrics onscreen)

There was a "pause" in life last week.

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about... a pause in the grief cycle... a time when you feel like you're on the right track and are focused on the present and future will little regard to the past.  And then, all of a sudden, something reminds you of the past, of what you've been through.  It could be a scent, a song, really anything that brings you back to that place... sadness, darkness, uncertainty.

My pause came last Wednesday afternoon.  Someone delivered some items that had been taken from me at the beginning of my grief.  They were things I had never anticipated getting back and honestly, I was living fine without them.  But there they were, items in a brown cardboard box.  Literally just things... pretty insignificant to the outside world, but OH so real to my heart.

I have to be honest, it caused me to step back into the past.  I felt sad, distraught, alone.  I tried to pick myself up but for some reason, I stayed stuck in that place.  Luckily I knew what I needed to do.  I reached out.  I called my mom, texted friends and then spent lots of time with God. I allowed myself time to be depressed and sad.  I didn't fight it.  I knew fighting it wouldn't work.  But I also knew I didn't need to stay stuck in that dark place.

On Thursday, I went and saw a couple who have dealt with similar grief and together we talked it out.  I cried, they prayed and we "fellowshipped" over mixed nuts and water.  (Funny, what you remember about life.)  As I was leaving, they lovingly encouraged me to let them help me sort through the brown box.  We opened the trunk and I began to sort through the things I knew I didn't need or want.  It took less than 5 minutes to get from a brown box to a small ziplock bag full of memories.

In that 5 minutes, God restored my heart.  He reassured me that He had brought me thus far.  He put people in my life that I couldn't say "no" to because He knew I needed to let it go.  God took that brokenness and renewed my spirit by reminding me of the new creation I am in Him.  

Let me go like a life upon the water

let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea

and I will disappear into a deeper beauty.

But for now, just stay with me.

Oh God, just stay with me.  

David Crowder*Band - How He Loves (Official Music Video)

Jealousy...  

We all feel it.  I feel several times each day.  

I see people in loving relationships and I begin to desire a relationship of my own.  

I see people with adjusted teenagers and I long for my daughter to have that relationship with me.  

I see people buying new things, and you guessed it, I want the freedom to buy new things.  

I see people who speak of faith that moves mountains, and I worry about my little mole hills.  

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young spoke of jealousy this morning.  But not as you would think.  She spoke of God's jealousy of the idols we have.  Yes, in Exodus, God talks about us not worshiping idols but I often think of those idols as golden calves or Greek gods.  Days go by and I don't realize that I am worshiping idols in my own heart.  Most days, I don't realize the power of God's jealousy.  

Current idols are more subtle than ancient ones, because today's false gods are often outside the field of religion.  People, possessions, status, and self aggrandizement are some of the most popular desires today.  Beware of bowing down before these things.  False gods never satisfy; instead, they stir up lust for more and more.  - Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above, or on the earth beneath on in the waters below.  You shall not bow to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God.  Exodus 20:4-5

In the margin of my Bible, I have written that "quanna" means that God is jealous FOR something not jealous OF something.  God isn't jealous of the little idols that we worship.  Rather He is jealous FOR our attention- the focus, time and energy we put into those little idols.   It's definitely "food for thought" as I go into my Saturday.  How can I bask in God's goodness and not focus on my little idols?  How can I focus on Christ throughout this day rather than putting my attention on the little things of my world?

 

Todrick Hall sings Starbucks Follow @toddyrockstar on Instagram!!!

I love coffee.  

But more importantly, 

I love the "coffee shop experience."

 

I believe the picture above is my first memory of the coffee shop experience.  Weekly, Americans would watch a group of Friends navigate their lives in the midst of Central Perk.  The ups and downs of relationships, jobs, and families were only a cup of coffee away.  

Fast forward, more than 20 years later, I still love coffee.  I love the coffee shop experience.  A good coffee shop is quiet enough to read a book and intimate enough to have a personal conversation. We have a little shop in town that is owned by a family in our church.  I spend far too much time there.  (In fact, I am sitting at my favorite table right now.)  I began coming to the shop about 2  years ago.  The atmosphere is quite cozy.  You can sit and listen to music, talk with a friend, grab a book or plug into the wifi and blog...

One thing that Central Perk and my local coffee shop has in common is the relationships that are built inside its walls.  Today I came to the coffee shop to get away from the stress of home.  I planned to come in and plug in and tune out the world.  What I didn't expect was to run into friends.  Friends that I don't often connect with outside of church.  Friends, that when reconnected realize we are dealing with the same difficulties in our families.  Friends that pray together after 15 minutes because God is in their midst.

That, is the real coffee shop experience.   Here is another coffee shop experience that has made me laugh since I first saw it.  Enjoy!!!

Ben Cantelon - My Deliverer (Lyrics)

Someone reminded me to not sit in the dark for too long.  They meant that I shouldn't stay stuck in the area of my own sin, without remembering God's sovereignty in it all.  After God showing me the importance of recognizing my own sin, I didn't want to end the evening without finding the peace and rest that only He can bring.  Long story short, I am safe.  I am safe in His forgiveness.  His love will never fail me. God's got this.  He knows how the story will end.  He's known since Adam and Eve's sin, that we would struggle in relationships.  Adam and Eve's sin exposed their nakedness.  They had always been naked but after the fall of men, they realized it and covered their sin and shame.  Of course there were consequences of their sin, but God didn't leave them there doomed for the rest of their lives, nor did he leave us doomed for our future.  He is in control.

Even though I walk through the shadows

I will not fear

Mountains high and in every valley low

My God is near

My God is near

I am safe in the arms of the Father

I am safe in the arms of the Father

I am resting in Your embrace

I know Your love will never fail

Every step I know You are with me

I will not fear

In You I find a refuge in every storm

My God is near

My God is near

My deliverer, my deliverer

Your love will never fail

Sing it

My deliverer, my deliverer

Your love will never fail

Your love will never fail

I am resting in Your embrace

I know Your love will never fail

I love this picture.  My Father holds me like this.  I am safe in his arms.  Just like this child.  

We Will Run - Gungor

Many times, I find myself consumed by my own thoughts, my own sense of right and wrong and ultimately consumed by my need for control.  This past week-end, I was reminded of this fact, ever so graciously, by my 15 yr old daughter.  (If you're a mom, you know what I am feeling right now.)  In the middle of a very heated discussion, that lasted almost 2 days, she finally said, "You know, you can't control me."  Initially I wanted to scream, "Want to bet?"  But in my weary mind, I shut down the discussion.  I chose to walk away from this conflict that was getting us no where.

But as I went throughout the evening, I kept coming back to her thoughts, "I can't control her."  True, I cannot control her actions.  I cannot control her attitudes.  Then my Type A personality... aka... the prideful and arrogant me who thinks I can handle the world on my own, became frustrated....

"Well, why can't I control it?  I am the parent.  Why not?"

That's when a quiet voice reminded me, "I am in control of her.  You only need to worry about yourself."

So that is where I have been for the past 24 hours... sitting in a wading pool of reflection of my own sinfulness.  (Its a "great" place to be.)  I was reminded of a parable in Matthew about the speck of dust in a brothers eye verses the plank of wood in one's own eye.  I found a commentary that really summed up what I was feeling.

Ultimately, the sin in us is more serious to God than the sin in another which we criticize.  The sin of negative judgement, in God's eyes, is larger than the sin in the person we criticize.  It is easy to criticize if we have never comprehended how deadly a sin this is.  It eats away at us and breaks down not only our relationship with the people we criticized but also with God.  The point is that if we busy ourselves with the log in our own eye, we will have less time and inclination to criticize.  If our sour minds are sweetened by God's forgiveness, we will have less negativism about others.  

Those are powerful words to this mom that tries so hard to love her daughter but who fails daily because, honestly, this mom is scared to death of losing control.   But isn't that the point??? I don't have control.  I don't need control.  I have a more than capable Father who loves my daughter far more than the love I could muster up on my own.

So for tonight, the 2 hours I have left in my day, I hope to live in the forgiveness that only Christ can offer.  I hope that basking in that forgiveness will help me remember what matters most in my daughter's life... not the arguments that we wont remember in 10 years, but my hearts desire to show my daughter acceptance in the eyes of her Savior.

Create in me a clean heart

For I have turned my face from You

Save us from our ways, oh God, oh God

For we have turned away from You

Lord have mercy

We will run to You, we will run to You

Turning from our sin we return to You

Father heal your world, make all things new

Make all things new

Your love and mercy build and shape us

Break and then recreate us now

Lord have mercy

We will run to You, we will run to You

Turning from our sin we return to You

Father heal your world, make all things new

Make all things new

Oh, we will run to You, we will run to You

Turning from our sin we return to You

Father heal your world, make all things new

Make all things new

Read more: Gungor - We Will Run Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Freedom Reigns by:Jason Upton From Live Ramp 2012

It's fireworks night... a day we celebrate our Freedom in our great land.  As I sit on my porch alone tonight, I can hear the fireworks all around me.  It got me thinking of that day, so many years ago, when men from all walks of life, decided that freedom from the tyranny of England was worth far more than their lives.  Can you hear it???  Can you feel it?  Those men left behind families, and friends for the sake of freedom.  Those families heard the gun shots in the distance and prayed that their loved ones would come home.  Many came home... many came home lost and broken in spirit.  Many lost their lives.  I can't even imagine that call for freedom.  Definitely a call from God to stand up and fight for freedom.

Fast forward 239 years later. People still desire freedom.  They fight for freedom of speech, freedom to love whom they choose, equal rights. But they also fight for freedom in other countries because we still believe that freedom is important.

As Christians we know that true freedom is found in Christ.  A life that is set apart is a life that is truly free.  Free from guilt.  Free from bias.  Freedom to love.  Freedom to worship.  Freedom to make the many everyday decisions that we make without acknowledging the freedom.

So tonight, as the fireworks are going off all around me, I remember those who sacrificed to help us gain independence.  I also remember a cross 2000 years ago that was carried on my behalf so I would have true freedom.

Where the Lord dwells, there is freedom.  Where the Holy Spirit leads, there is true freedom.  Hopefully this will encourage me to find something to be thankful for each day.  Knowing that I am free is truly a gift that I must share with others.  

Holy Spirit by Francesca Battistelli Lyric Video

Today is the last day of my "stay cation."  It has definitely been "just what the doctor ordered."  I have spent this week surrounded by friends- some that I have been "living life" with for the past 3 years and some friendships that are just beginning our journey together.  There has been a common thread in each encounter whether it was at the local coffee shop, favorite restaurant or in someone's home... relying on the Holy Spirit.

I came across this scripture this morning and it really touched my heart.  

 

I love it when friends point us back to God's character.  A character where He saves us... not because of anything we have done, but because of his great mercy.  The mercy that led to sacrifice.  But God didn't leave us alone... he sent the Holy Spirit to continue to lead, guide, prompt us in life.  

I'll be the first to admit that my default mode is to "be good, do good, and try to earn my way in life." It takes several failed attempts and a strong presence of the Holy Spirit before I remember that "it is finished." There is nothing I can add to or take away from my salvation.  

That my friend, is my take away from my "stay cation."  God has used this time to remind me of the rebirth and renewal of the Holy Spirit and has used the precious people in my life to point it all back to Christ.   So, as I go back to reality tomorrow by picking up Peanut from camp and then back to work on Monday, I pray that I will invite the Holy Spirit into each moment.  

Holy Spirit you are welcome here.

Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere.

Your glory, Lord is what our hearts long for.

To be overcome by your presence Lord.  

Bruno Mars - Count On Me (Official Video)

This is Day 2 of my "stay cation".  I worked really hard to make sure that this week would be a time of refreshment and relaxation.  I did all the laundry last week, cleaned the house and even bought groceries that require very few dishes.  My only plans for the week is to spend time at our local coffee shop and meeting with friends.  So today, I began time with friends.  I had 3 "appointments" where I got to spend a couple of hours with different women.  Its amazing to me how God puts people into our lives.  Being an introvert, I don't open up easily so God has a bit more of a challenge in getting me to spend time sharing with others.

Coffee this morning was with a friend who just makes you want to smile.  Her gentle spirit and kind heart  just makes the world seem a little sweeter.  I am not a "hugger" but her hugs make everything feel better.

I took a risk and invited a new friend to lunch.  She quickly answered that she could meet today.  I was nervous about "what" we would talk about and "how" we would get along.  As I drove home, I found myself shaking my head in disbelief that those questions had been a concern.  If the God of the universe put this person in my path, then He could surely fill up lunch time conversation.

The best part of this week is that I am with people I can be "authentic" with.  People who love me and accept my little world of chaos and who allow me into their worlds.  Worlds full of excitement, joy, and worlds of brokenness too... I get to be there.

This delights my soul.  I can be there for others.  The love that was demonstrated to me through tough times in my life, I can now offer to others.  I can share Christ's love because of HIS GREAT LOVE FOR US.  And that love, that joy, that friendship, that peace is so sweet.