Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing with Lyrics Chris Rice

My time with the Lord brought me to a devotional I've shared before.  The book is called, "Heart of the Matter" and it is a collection of some well known authors sharing about life and struggles and how those struggles lead us closer to Christ.  Today's devotional came from Edward T Welch...

There is a certain paradox in trusting God.  When we trust him, we are saying that we are entirely inadequate, which is true though it doesn't do wonders for our self image.  BUT when we trust him, it is also as if we have arrived home.  All is well.  Yes there may be many problems, but we are HOME, and the comfort and the joy of home reduces the problems of life to the level of hassles.  As you turn back to the Lord, speak your confession to him.  Tell him that your heart is prone to wander, your tendencies toward erecting idols incorrigible.  A rule of thum in conffesion is to keep at it until you have inklings of hope or joy.  Confession is not a time to grovel.  It is a time to trust in the God who delights in forgiving because it brings him glory.  

The scripture passage came from Matthew, which is the parable of the Lost Sheep.  It is all too familiar but as I read and re-read it tonight, I felt something I had never experienced.

If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?  And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety nine that did not wander off.  In the same way, your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost.  Matthew 18:12-14

Wow, he is happy when he finds the one who wanders off .  Lets face it, I can be a pitiful sheep.  I don't mean to wander off, but I do.  I have a knack for deviating from the path I know Christ would have me follow... most times it is in small ways but there have been times when I have been sooo far away and I have felt that there is no way God can find me... or even show concern for me.

Wandering... only one song came to mind.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,

Wandering from the fold of God,

He, to rescue me from danger,

Interposed His precious blood.

Oh, to grace how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be,

Let that grace now like a fetter

Bind my wandering heart to Thee:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love.

Here's my heart, oh, take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above.

Beauty from pain - superchick

I feel stuck in grief right now.

Life is all about ebb and flow... There have been so many times in the past year where I have felt "in" God's hands.  Literally... I felt His Presence offering peace, assurance, rest, grace and forgiveness. Other times, I am blinded by the pain in my heart.  I feel anxious, frustrated, fearful and bitter.  And when I am blinded, I feel guilty.  Oh so guilty.  That guilt complex is where I have spent the last week of my life.

Memories of the past year came back this week.  It was as if I had stepped back to January 2014.  I felt the depression, the exhaustion of not being able to sleep and the hunger from not being able to stomach food.  I noticed I began to isolate from others and give platitude answers.... I'm fine... It is what it is, etc.  But deep inside I felt ANGRY, BITTER and GUILTY for not having enough faith to see over this valley.

Someone reminded me today that God is big enough to handle my emotions.  God understands it because He created us.  God understands it because He has experienced righteous anger. God understands it because He has experience with other people being angry at him.  David is a good example.  Throughout the Psalms, David cried out to God asking, "How long Oh Lord?"  How long will my suffering last?  How much do I have to endure?  When will this be over?  God always answered David's prayers, not always as David would have liked but God always answered.

Tonight this song is my prayer.  I pray I will seek God through this pain.  I pray I will go through this struggle knowing it won't last forever.  I pray one day I will be able to look back and see where the pain ended and beauty began.

After all this has passed, I still will remain

After I've cried my last, there will be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again

And there will be beauty from pain.

You bring beauty from my pain.

"Be Still" by Storyside:B (with lyrics)

Today has been one of "those days".  The ones when panic, fear, frustration, anxiety and stress settle deep into my core.  I have some parenting situations that I need to address and often times this is where my deepest struggles come from.  In my head, I want obedience and control.  But in gazing through my Father's eyes, I try to see situations with kindness and mercy.  This is where the problem lies.... my own sinfulness... my need for control... my selfishness...  

Today felt "doomed" from the time I woke up.  Try as I might, I couldn't shake my negativity and it influenced my interactions at work, my eating habits, my frustration level.  I came home even more defeated than when I left.  But I came home to a mailbox containing two very special letters; both from women; strangers; pen pals; women who have signed up to be encouragers each week; women from opposite sides of our country.  As I opened them, tears began to flow.  I learned 2 truths in those stranger letters.

Truth 1- Rest.  How many days last week did I describe myself as "tired?"  I read scriptures my new friend wrote, each speaking of "resting".  I realized that I could substitute rest in scripture with the word "peace".  Isn't that was I am truly needing?  PEACE?  When I am at peace then I can truly rest.  The only way to have peace is to truly rest in God.  For example:

My soul finds rest (PEACE) in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation.  I will never be shaken.  Psalms 62:12

Truth 2- My new friend wrote

I'm here to remind you that you're in God's hands.  He hasn't left or ever will.  Remind you of where God brought you from! To encourage you to keep going.  Keep pressing on.

And with those two truths, I began to breathe a little easier.   I went back to read some journal entries over the past year and a half.  I wanted to remember exactly where I had come from.  I found this from Jesus Calling...

Look back on your life and see how I have helped you through difficult days.  If you are tempted to think, "Yes BUT that was then and this is now", remember who I am.  Although you and your circumstances may change dramatically, I remain the same throughout time and eternity.  This is the basis for your confidence.  In my presence you live, you move and have your being.

Some days I wanna run

Sometimes I come undone

But I still belong to You

And thats how I know that

When I feel like caving in

My heart, my soul is wearing thin

I just wanna give up

And nothing seems at all to add up

Can You hear me, Lord?

My face is down upon the floor

Its then You whisper in my ear

Be still and know I'm here

Read more: StorySide:B - Be Still Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

 Its a pretty good way to end a very stressful day.  I know that parenting struggles are not over but I feel more at rest, at peace to deal with them.  Ultimately I remember that I am not Peanut's most loving parent, Christ is.  When I can take my eyes off of her current life choices and instead, gaze at God's beauty... will she not also look to Christ?  If only because she is curious?  I want so much for her but doesn't God, her Creator, want even more?  Silly me, why do I worry and get so bent out of shape?  Instead, I need to listen to the gentle whispers of the one who knows me and loves her best....