Losing by Tenth Avenue North Lyrics

Parenting is one of the most stressful relationships one can have.  It can be so hard to offer grace when a child is rebellious.  Yet that is what we are called to do.  There is such a fine line between grace and discipline.  Yesterday was a day that I wish I could push the "do over" button.  There was a struggle in the battle of wills on both our parts.

For me, it displayed my own sinfulness of pride and anger.  What a lonely place to be.  Who really wants to share those things with other people?  Who wants to expose those sins?  But I knew I had to.  Thankfully I have a "village" of people who love both me and my Peanut.  They wrapped their arms around us, figuratively, and prayed for us.  But it wasn't until this morning that I found some of the peace I needed.

In Jesus Calling by Sarah Young,  shared the story of Hagar and how she fled in fear from Sarah.  Sarah's anger and wrath sent her into the desert... desolate.  In her desperation, Hagar called out to God,  using the name that means, "the Living One who sees me."

 Here is what Sarah Young writes:

"No set of circumstances could ever isolate you from My loving Presence.  Not only do I see you always; I see you as a redeemed saint, gloriously radiant in My righteousness.  That is why I take great delight in you and rejoice over you with singing."

I felt in the desert yesterday.  I was desolate.  I spent the day in mourning over what I should or shouldn't have done.  But this morning my reflection turned to how God parents us.  How in the world does he offer his grace each time we stumble, make wrong choices or deliberately disobey him?  Only through the cross can he offer us those things.  Just as important, only through the Holy Spirit can I offer gracious parenting.  After all she's not my child, she is His.  I am only a steward over her for a short while.  

This is love, this is hate...
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Father God,

Today help me rely on you, "the Living One who sees me."  Help me to remember that you see me as redeemed and righteous by the blood of Jesus.  Help me to forgive 70 times 7, even in just one day.  Guide me in resting in you and not beating myself up from yesterday's desolate place.  Remind me that Peanut is yours and my job is to guide her towards you.  Show me how to parent and where I need to relax my parenting skills by offering more grace and where I need to strengthen my parenting skills.  It is such a fine line.  Most of all, rebuild the relationship that has been lost with my daughter.  Help us to work together.  Teenagers struggle with so much.  For so many it is a battle lost.  But help me remember that this battle is yours and yours alone.  Thank you for being the Father we both so desperately need.  Help us seek you.  Amen

Mercy (Live From LIFT: A Worship Leader Collective)

Definition of Mercy:  compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm. Mercy is defined as God's love in action.  

synonyms:

leniency, clemency, compassion, grace, charity, forgiveness, forbearance, humanity; More soft-heartedness, tenderheartedness, kindness, sympathy, liberality, tolerance, generosity, magnanimity, beneficence "He showed no mercy to the others"

"Mercy"
(While listening to the song, each time Mercy is said, 
replace "God's love in action")

I will kneel in the dust
at the foot of the cross,
where mercy paid for me.
Where the wrath I deserve,
it is gone, it has passed.
Your blood has hidden me.

Mercy, mercy,
as endless as the sea.
I'll sing Your hallelujah
for all eternity.

We will lift up the cup
and the bread we will break,
remembering Your love.
We were fallen from grace,
but You took on our shame
and nailed it to a cross.

Mercy, mercy,
as endless as the sea.
I'll sing Your hallelujah
for all eternity.
[repeat]

May I never lose the wonder,
oh, the wonder of Your mercy.
May I sing Your hallelujah.
Hallelujah, Amen.
[repeat 3x]

May I never lose the wonder,
oh, the wonder of Your mercy.
May I sing Your hallelujah.
Hallelujah, Amen.
[repeat]

I will kneel in the dust
at the foot of the cross,
where mercy paid for me.

Peace Be Still - Rush of Fools with Lyrics

It's back to school time... as a parent... it is stressful as your child begins a new year, maybe a milestone year, my daughter started high school this year.  As a teacher, its a different kind of stress... making sure every child is well cared for, that all paperwork is submitted on time and that the parent's of the kids in your class feel comfortable leaving their children in your care.

It is exhausting.

I was reading this afternoon about Mary and Martha.  Its no secret that I am a Martha.  Like Emily Freeman in Grace for the Good Girl, I feel Martha gets a bad reputation.  I believe her motives were pure in wanting to provide the very best for her guests.  But when her motives became "self reliant" is when she made her mistake.  She knew her guests needed feeding and caring for.  She was eager to do it, but midway... somewhere... it became a burden.  When she asked Jesus to ask Mary to help, Jesus gently said, "Martha, Martha, You are worried  and bothered about so many things but only one thing matters." (Luke 10:41-42)

Grace for the Good Girl challenged me today to look at the things that I am worried and bothered by.  What things are on my "to do" list?  What would happen if just for today, I gave that list to Jesus?  What kind of impact would it have on my day?  I can answer those questions with this song.  If I could simply let go and let Jesus have the things that worry me most, I would be able to rest in Him.  I would be able to sit at His feet and relax.

"This is a Savior who accepts us just the way we are- Mary or Martha or a combination of both- BUT loves us too much to leave us that way.  He is the one who can give us a Mary heart in a Martha world."  Joanna Weaver, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World.

Plumb - ONE DROP (official lyric)

Tonight, I put to bed my little girl.  Tomorrow, she wakes up a high school freshman.  She came into my room crying before bed saying how anxious she was and how she just didn't know if she could fit in at a high school much less a NEW high school.  Life has thrown us so many curve balls this year and it almost felt like a punch below the belt when she said that.  No parent lives to make their child's life more difficult and sometimes circumstances are just beyond our control.

I did as I typically do.  I talked and listened for about 20 minutes and encouraged her and told her to hop in bed so I could shower.  As I showered I became convicted that I missed a perfect parenting moment with her. So, I hopped right out, threw on some clothes and ran back into her room.  She was almost asleep.  (No matter how old they are, your child is beautiful while they sleep.)

She sat up as I walked in and I asked her if we could pray together.  I prayed over her while she was listening.  I prayed for God's peace to be upon her as she slept.  I prayed that she would let her light shine tomorrow and that the other kids would see the beautiful creature God created her to be.  I thanked God for friends that are in her life now and for her future friends.  Then... I squeezed her hand... and she began to pray out loud.  Amazing that my daughter who some days tells me she doesn't believe in God or adamantly doesn't trust Him because of her past.  Tonight she listened as I spoke to her Heavenly Father and then she spoke to Him.  She shared her fears of making friends and of getting lost.  It was sweet music to my ears and brought tears to my eyes....

I can only imagine the tears that are running down the face of our Heavenly Father.

Anchor - Hillsong Live (New 2013 Album) Best Worship Song with Lyrics

Today I read about Paul's "Stormy trip" in Acts 27:13-44.  I have heard the story many times but the commentary I read really focused on the portion of the story about the anchors.  In verse 29, it says, "the sailors were afraid we would hit the rocks, so they threw 4 anchors into the water and prayed for daylight to come.  The author talks about those four anchors being the anchor of trust, hope, purpose and fellowship.  These words really spoke to me.  

The anchor of trust:  God is present.  He is always present.  He is near to the brokenhearted.  We can trust that he will be with us in whatever we are facing in life.  

The anchor of hope: God has been faithful to me in this recent time of chaos and crisis.  He has proven over and over again that He is trustworthy and I can count on Him.  Sometimes trusting him means waiting til the last minute for his provision.  I don't have to hope in a god who may or may not show up.  My God will show up.  

The anchor of purpose:  Paul wasn't worried about the ship or the storm.  He knew his purpose had not been complete so he knew he would be safe.  Last spring, I asked a friend, "What do I do now?"  He simply said, "You parent your daughter."  That is my purpose.  Working with families is my purpose.  But my most important purpose is to glorify God and enjoy Him. I think that also involves showing joy to others that draw them to the hope I have in Christ Jesus.  

The anchor of fellowship:  I could write a novel on the way I have been supported over the past 6 months.  God has placed people in my life that seem to "show up" when I need them most.  I started this journey with a core group of about 10 people.  Over the summer, God has given me unique opportunities to meet new people.   To encourage fellowship with new members of my support system.  

The quote above means so much.  I am not the same person I was at the beginning of January.  I owe it all to my Lord who has sustained me, comforted me, and loved me through this difficult time.  I am sure the storm is not really over.  There are still obstacles I must face but I know that I am not the same person.  I have a  God that I can count on, hope in, serve and share with others.    

At The Foot Of The Cross

"I believe God is good and that something good will come from this" was my pad answer in January.  I believed it but I didn't know how it would all work out.  I believed, truly believed, God would make beauty from the ashes but the "HOW" part was the big question.  Through recent devotion time, impromptu meetings with friends and watching God perform miracles I have seen His strength and beauty.

God has revealed to me in two separate conversations that He has protected myself and my family from what I thought would be harsh judgement.  People didn't realize the pain I had struggled with over the past few months.  They had no idea that "I was THAT Melissa."  To me, it was the most encouraging news I had received because it showed that God was helping me change into the person He wanted me to be through this time of refinement.  He is teaching me moment by moment, that He is trading my suffering for beauty, true beauty, His beauty.  It is only at the foot of the cross that he makes me complete.  I don't think I would have ever learned that without the past 7 months of crisis.  So suffering stinks... it always will.  But over a period of time, we will see beauty come from it, as we trust in God.  Now. not only can I say with confidence, "I believe God is good and that something good will come from this" but I can share how God has changed my life.  Hopefully one day that will be an encouragement to others.

"Jesus thank you tonight that you take the broken places in our lives, Lord and make them new.
Take the bitterness Lord and make it sweet,  The destitute places in our lives Lord, you give us hope.
Lord for the ashes of our life Lord, you give us beauty
Clothe us with your beauty Jesus.
Its your unfailing love Lord, that keeps giving into our lives
You're beautiful to us tonight Jesus"

Aaron Shust - Watch Over Me (With Lyrics)

An update on a post a few days ago when I was struggling to make a decision...

I was trying to decide whether to move or not and whether to take the plunge into home ownership. The stress was killing me.  I was depressed and panicked.  I didn't sleep and I couldn't keep still.  All my time was spent online looking at houses or meeting with realtors.  Honestly, I lost the last two weeks of my summer.  I could call this time, "my darkest hour."

Do I have a home right now?  Yes.  But now that our journey has shifted, Peanut and I need much less space in a house and a much less house payment.  I have wanted to move since March but I struggled with it.  Those around me told me I would know when the time was right to start looking.  So I waited, and waited and waited.  Finally when God gave me a "green light", I went crazy.  I knew what I wanted, I let others influence my decision, and I looked at things that didn't meet the criteria above- more affordable and less space.  Several times I thought God had worked it out and several times I "felt this house is the one God is going to give me."

Finally last Thursday I let it go.  It was an overwhelmingly emotional time.  I had 3 houses left to look at.  A dear friend from church called me about a meeting at church.  In that conversation, he asked permission to talk to another couple on my behalf who were looking to rent their home soon.  I agreed.  I called the couple later that evening and we scheduled for us to meet on Sunday after church.  Remember this is still Thursday night.  On Friday morning, I followed the lead and let my realtor show me 3 more houses... no, no, and maybe.  But the maybe turned into a no when I learned they wouldn't come down on the price.

Saturday I was a nervous wreck.  We got out of the house and stayed busy.  I had truly let it go.  If God was going to let us move then this rental was our only hope.  Our last option.  It was emotional to know that we might be called to stay in our current home for a bit longer- til Christmas at least.  This was heartbreaking to think about it, but I agreed to be open to it, if it was God's will.

On Sunday as I drove to their home, I heard Oceans by Hillsong United.  It seems to be the background music to my life.  The house was the Lord's provision.  When I let it go, he provided.  It may not be the way I had planned... buying a house, but it was the way he had planned... renting a much smaller home and letting someone else in my church provide for us.  I get teary thinking about it now.  God knew my need yet, until I knew my depravity, he couldn't meet my need.  He lovingly waited for me to surrender so that He could provide.  I can't say, I did anything other than accept his gift.

Romans 8:26-27  "The Spirit helps us with our weakness.  We do not know how to pray as we should but the Spirit himself speaks to God for us, even begs God for us with deep feelings that words cannot explain.  God can see what is in people's hearts.  And he knows what is in the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit speaks to God for his people in the way God wants."

These Hard Times - Needtobreathe (With Lyrics)

Here is what my devotional guide said this morning," Worry is thinking turned toxic, the imagination picturing the worst.  The word, 'worry' comes from the root "to choke or strangle."  Worry chokes and strangles our capacity to think, hope and dream."

If those words are convincing enough it goes on to say, "At the core, it is a low-grade fever of agnosticism.  When we worry, we express a lurking form of doubt that God either knows, cares or is able to do anything.  It is a form of loneliness- facing eventualities by ourselves on our meager strength."

The answer is found in Scripture in Matthew 6, where Jesus addresses some of the biggest worries in life at that time and still those worries that plague many people around the world... what we will eat, drink and wear.  Now days, in America, our worries are endless.... more complicated... and often less monumental if we can step back and see them through God's eyes.  How do I get ahead in my job?  Can I say "no" when I feel I should say "yes"?  Can I afford this or that?  Do I need this or that?

Jesus gives us the answer to these questions as well.  We only have one concern in life... "to put God first in our lives.  Then our only anxiety will be that we may miss the real reason we were born: to seek first the kingdom of God and to be right with Him."

I struggle with worry.  I worry over the smallest details in life.  I feel the loneliness of trying to figure it all out on my own.  (It is one of my biggest idols- self reliance.)  But one thing I have learned in the past 48 hours is that when I feel there is no answer to my worries and I am exhausted from "trying to fix it", God steps up and provides.  He provides in ways that we couldn't dream of.  Honestly, I think it took me finally letting go and realizing I had no other choice but to let him handle it.

"Give me the answer

give me a way out

Give me the faith 

to believein these hard times."

The Beauty of Grace - Krystal Meyers

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong"
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"To 'grow in grace' means to utilize more and more grace to live by, until everything we do is assisted by grace.  The greatest saints are not those who need less grace but those who consume the most grace, who indeed are the most in need of grace- those who are saturated by grace in every dimension of their being.  Grace to them is like breath."
-Dallas Willard, Renovation of the Heart

Part of my journey has been dealing with the sins and betrayals of others.  The pain others' have caused me and my family.  But the more I begin to heal that part of my life, the more I realize the sins and betrayals of my own life.  The pain I caused God.  I am reading a book, a big surprise, and it talks of "surface sins"- those sins that can be videotaped and recorded.  For example, gossip or lying can be surface sins because we can minimize those sins and most of the time they are rooted in a lack of love.

I have surface sins.  There have been times that I haven't been a loyal friend or times when I have let my flesh lead my decisions or times I have taken control of my life thinking I knew better than God.  But I also have much greater sins.  I haven't gotten that far in my book, so I don't know what the book calls the "really big sins."  These are the things you would never want the world to know about you.  Trust me, I am not going to use this blog as a confessional.  However I am going to tell you that God is dealing with me in a very personal way at revealing times when I have betrayed him, my family and those closest to me.  He is showing me that after repentance, and truly turning away from those sins, the Holy Spirit moves in and cleanses me.

That is why I have chosen this song.  When I feel the regret and sadness of those dark places, I listen to these words and remind myself that I am not that person anymore.  The Beauty of Grace is that Jesus took care of it... the surface sins as well as the deepest sins in my heart.

But anywhere you are

is never too far away

There's freedom from your scars

The mistakes that you've made

FORGIVEN

The memories erased

That's the Beauty of Grace

Peter Cetera - One Clear Voice

Another flashback song... I have always wondered what kind of decision is being made in this song.  This week I am having to make a big decision... probably the biggest decision I have made in my life other than adopting Peanut and marriage.  I wouldn't say marriage was a mistake but given my current situation I often doubt my abilities to make lifelong decisions.  As I have blogged before, we have to remember that God sees life on a continuum and forever is our destination.  The decision I am facing will not go with me into heaven but in making this decision I want to make sure I am future focused.

I have been trying to listen to God's voice about making choices.  I have searched Scriptures and read about Samuel's unique calling on his life.  I have shared with close friends and family about this decision.  As my mom said, "I can't make this decision for you.  You have to live with it."

What it boils down to is:  Am I fearful of this decision because I doubt God to perform the miracle I need?  or Am I extra cautious in this decision because God has given me the spirit of discernment and I am feeling that in my core?  Today I found a journal entry from years past and from an old devotional.

"Hezekiah spread his dilemma before the Lord.  There are three steps in discerning the will of  God.  First, tell Him your need.  Ask Him to give you wisdom to know what He wants and the courage to do it.  Second, wait.  Silence is crucial.  Give God a chance to impute insight and direction.  Read the Bible quietly.  It is His word and he uses it to instruct His people in His will.  Then third, act on what you have discovered knowing that He can use even our mistakes for His glory."  Pretty simple right???    I do ok other than the waiting, silence part.  What the devotional adds are some questions to ask when making a big decision.  I think these are the most helpful.

By doing it, will I grow closer to the Lord?

Is it in keeping with the message of Jesus Christ?

Is it in keeping with the Ten Commandments?

Will the kingdom of God be extended?

Will it bring ultimate good of all involved?  

Is it an expression of love?

Can I do it feeling comfortable with the Lord's presence in it?

Will it be for the Lord's glory or just my own?

The last two questions really make the decision for me.  God is telling me "no".  This is not the plan I have for you.  Now, the question is... do I have the courage to follow through???

www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWHBYIYWZ34

Steven Curtis Chapman - Not Home Yet

Part two of this blog deals with preparation mentality.  (Again taken from Forever by Paul David Tripp)  Preparation mentality is waking up each morning knowing that this world is not as it was meant to be.  It is realizing that this is not our final destination and God is preparing another world for us.  What he is preparing is a place where we are not broken and our world is not broken but for now we must understand our need for redemption.

"Living with preparation mentality also means living with the knowledge that God is using disappointments and difficulties of this world to prepare us for the next.  He uses the pressures of the present to craft us into the kind of individuals that he would CHOOSE to spend eternity with."

That thought amazes me... God is forming me into the kind of person He would want to spend eternity with.  "There are important character changes that grace needs to work in us to make us ready for our final destination.  And God is using this present moment to produce in us sturdy hope.  As by his grace we experience tastes of what is to come, we don't panic in the face of difficulty and disappointment, because we know God is moving us toward a place where suffering of this present moment will be no more."

I am a work of grace.  The character changes in my life in the past 7 months have been all about grace and the work of Christ.  I love the image of pilgrims traveling home.  It's in the Old and New Testament.  People setting up portable dwelling places along the way.  "Your tent reminds you that you are not at your destination yet."

Keep on looking ahead

let you heart not forget 

I know there will be a moment 

I know there will be a place 

when we will see our Savior 

and fall into his embrace 

so let us not grow weary 

or too content to stay. 

cause we are not home yet.  

Amy Grant - In a little while

This is part one of a two part blog.  I'm reading Forever- Why you can't live without it.  I have mentioned it before.  But today, I wanted to share one of the two significant parts of the book. The book talks about 2 mentalities we live our lives with:  Destination mentality verses preparation mentality.   I think this old Amy Grant song, reminds me of destination mentality.  (I will talk about preparation mentality in part 2 of this blog.)

Destination mentality says that we live today as if it is all there is.  "We try to pack into our present life all the pleasure, happiness, excitement we can.  We do this because what comes with the thought that this life is all there is, is an inescapable fear that somehow life will pass us by.  Here is what destination mentality fails to understand: our complete, present, personal happiness is not what God is working on in the here and now.  Because the plan of his grace is to deliver us out of this world to one that is much better."

How many times in the past week have I tried to live life with this destination mentality?  The need to make immediate decisions about my daughter's high school education.  The need to find housing for our small family where negative memories aren't in every corner of every room.  The need to begin the forgiveness process with difficult people in my life.  The need to make it all better.  The need to dull the pain I feel by spending time with those who are closest to me and who will make me feel better about myself.

This is not God's plan for me.  This is not all there is.  He has a plan.  His ultimate plan is to wrap his arms around me and smile, to sing over me, to prepare me for a glorious reunion in heaven.  The details of my day to day living are to prepare me for a forever.

"We're just here to learn to love him, we're just here to learn to love Him."