Hillsong Live - Forever Reign

You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin-  There was a time about 6 months ago, when all I could do was cry through this song at church.  I couldn't see any good in me or in my situation.  It was a dark place and I clung to the hope... that's all I had... the HOPE THAT HE HAD COVERED ALL MY SIN.

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost its sting-  Then there was a beginning of a shift, maybe at 2 months.  In spending late nights and early mornings alone with God, I began to feel His peace and presence.  I had no trouble believing that he was true because I had been taught that all my life but was he "REALLY" true?  In my situation I had a choice to make, would I cling to his truth or would I wander?  I can say I didn't feel the joy and I definitely didn't feel like singing. 

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go-  Fast forward to April, and I could at least sing this song... at least parts.  I knew that God was more than I could ever put into words... I was living proof that he was sustaining me on a moment by moment basis.  I was learning that his presence was real in my life and I was beginning to see glimpses of healing.  He was making me whole.  The "letting go" part was hard, but at that point, I didn't have another choice. 

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign-  No matter the circumstance, I clung to what I knew... Jesus.  I clung to people who were Jesus to me.  They were there on day one and they are here now.  It has come full circle in that now 6 1/2 months later, I am slowly moving on.  I am learning to live, to live outside my safety zone, to pick up the pieces and to begin to live.  In the last week, I have made some grown up decisions.  But instead of fretting about it, there is peace.... at least most of the time.  When the fretting does make its way into my heart, I can sing the next part....

My heart will sing
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus-  Life isn't always a bed of roses.  Some days stink. Some days go by with little emotion.  Some days are filled with a new emotion... joy.  But no matter what, I want to always sing... Jesus... Jesus. Now when we sing this song at church, I'm the one crying like a baby... but its because I see the hand of God moving me through each stanza of this verse.  It fluctuates, just like grief does... denial, acceptance, anger, bargaining... I can be all over the place... but as long as my heart can sing Jesus, I will be ok.   

Avalon- I Don't Want To Go - lyrics

Today I was reading about "The Lord's Prayer".  Actually I have been reading a short essay on it for several days in which the author breaks it down into phrases but todays phrase really stuck out to me.

"Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." 

-Matthew 6:10

 

The author says that in naming this "The Lord's Prayer" it sounds misleading.  Really it is Jesus' model prayer or "The Disciples Prayer".  Jesus was teaching his followers how to pray.  Pretty interesting that Jesus said the same prayers when he was alone with his Father in the garden.  "Thy will be done." 

 

The author says that if we are praying this prayer with sincerity there are "three pressing possibilities: what we want, what others want for us, and what God wants of us.  To pray "your will be done" is to take the kingdom of God as Jesus revealed it as our charter and to make our decisions based on that. 

 

When we pray this prayer,  God will guide us in what to do and then he will give us the courage to do it.  "When we surrender our wills to the Lord, accept his love and forgiveness through the cross, and invite Him to live in us, we begin life all over.  Christ guides us in each decision and shapes our character into His image."

 

 

Am I really "gutsy" enough to live out this prayer?  God has proven himself faithful beginning the day he surrendered his life on the cross for my benefit.  But what about today, July 24, 2014?  Can I be bold enough to say, I let go...  I surrender all of this day to your ways and I will trust you will give me the courage to do what you have called me to do?  I know that I don't want to go somewhere/anywhere where God is not in the midst of each decision or each step that I take.  

 

 

all quotes are from "God's Best for my Life" by Ogilvie

All Sons and Daughters-Wake Up

We have seen the pain
that shaped our hearts
And in our shame
We're still breathing, 'cause

We have seen the hope
of your healing
Rising from our souls
is the feeling
We are drawing close
Your light is shining through
Your light is shining through

Wake up, wake up, wake up
wake up all you sleepers
Stand up, stand up
Stand up all you dreamers
Hands up, hands up
Hands up all believers
Take up your cross, carry it on

all that you reveal
with light in us
will come to life
and start breathing, 'cause

here we stand our hearts are yours, Lord
not our will but yours be done, Lord

 

I'm reading a book called Mended Pieces of a life made whole by Angie Smith.  After a period of loss in her life, she felt the Lord's prompting to break a pitcher.  As she broke it, she asked God, "What next?"  What God told her was to put it back together.  She explains how daunting of a task it was.  She says it took most of the night to glue each piece into the proper place.  But what she learned was so valuable.  She learned that God uses the cracked parts of our lives to allow His light to shine through us.  Without the cracks, the light wouldn't shine through. 

 

I share this because the cracks in my life are slowly being glued back together by the ultimate craftsman and this song perfectly describes the desire of my heart.  I want to be healed.  I want to be mended.  I want to be put back together in His way.  I want my cracks to radiate with His joy and beauty.  I want to wake up and start living again. 

 

 

all that you reveal
with light in us
will come to life
and start breathing, 'cause

here we stand our hearts are yours, Lord
not our will but yours be done, Lord 

 

Danny Gokey - Hope in Front of Me (Official Lyric Video)

 

"Hope In Front Of Me"

 

There's a place at the end of the storm
You finally find
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain
All fall behind
You open up your eyes and up ahead
There's a big sun shining
Right then and there you realize
You'll be alright

Who knew 6 months ago I would ever say these words?  Today God provided a huge miracle.  A gift that I didn't deserve and something that was beyond my wildest dream.  It got me thinking about the little gifts that God has been giving me each moment for the past 6 months.  God gave me sunshine.  God gave me the smiles of the kids I work with... He gave me extra cuddle time on the days when I felt unloved.  God gave me friends who sought me out even when I felt unwanted.  God guided me to books and scriptures that spoke directly into the depths of my lonely heart.  God sustained me not only emotionally and physically but also financially. 

All of these thoughts brought me back to the biggest gift... even bigger than my miracle.  God gave me hope.  Not hope that is of this world but eternal hope.  I know my story doesn't end here.  He is still writing my story and he knows how it ends... I know how it ends... it ends with me gazing into His loving face and thanking him for his sacrifice for my sins of self dependence, my idols of wanting to be normal, my own self righteousness.  He covered all of that with his ultimate gift. 

I pray that as I continue to push forward in life and begin to leave the hard times behind, I won't forget the big and little miracles along the way.  He is my hope. 

In Christ Alone

Over the past 6 months, you have heard me mention a couple who have loved me at my most unlovely places and supported me through some very dark times.  I have also talked about my friend who kept me with an endless supply of Christian reading materials.  My Pastor Scott and his wife Amy are those people.  I can't count how many cups of coffee we have shared, how many tears have been shared and how many prayers have been offered.  Their love of Jesus and for people have impacted our entire community.  Tonight we said good bye.  Tomorrow they begin their new journey as church planters in another state. 

I have to say that if it weren't for Scott and Amy I would still be "working" on my salvation.  I would be like a hamster spinning round and round on its wheel, exhausted from the work and getting no where.  But through all the heartache that has come my way in a short period of time, Scott always pointed me straight back to Jesus.  He has been a mentor that I didn't know I needed.  She has been a friend who included this introvert in activities... included me without me realizing her encouragement to get me involved. 

I chose this song, because I can hear Amy singing it.  I can see her leading us in worship and the moment I realized that Christ Alone was my foundation.  I can hear Scott talking about the gospel in ways that this "good girl" could grasp and put into action. 

I am so excited for Scott and Amy for their faithful service to our community over the past 7 years, 3 of which I was a part of.  Scott is more than a shepherd, he is a friend.  When I said good-bye tonight, I couldn't stop crying... but not because I was sad... because I was so incredibly thankful that God had placed this family in our lives long before we knew how much we would need them. 

Casting Crowns - Thrive (Official Lyric Video)

This has quickly, almost over night, become one of my personal anthems.  When I hear it on the radio, I can't help but turn it up and sing at the top of my lungs.  It goes along with the book I spoke of a couple of blogs ago, Forever, by Paul David Tripp. 
God hasn't created us just to skimp by in life.  He has called us to thrive.  To grow, to seek him, to point others to him with our enthusiasm of our lives in him.  I am totally guilty.  I get lost in myself so much that I miss opportunities to show others the hope for which I live.  I miss sharing Jesus with people and the power of the cross.  I desire to be intentional in sharing the joy of the hope I have found in Christ Jesus.  During the past 6 months, God has been creating a life altering story in my life and part of that story is to see things-bad things, as blessings.  I pray that I remember this and that my God will continue to reveal himself in the hard times and that instead of staying in the darkness, I will choose to THRIVE.

Lord, I Need You (feat. Audrey Assad) - Acoustic

I'm reading a book by Paul David Tripp, called Forever- Why you can't live without it.  A dear friend and pastor of mine gave it to me.  I started the book at the beginning like most people do.  But I quickly realized that like most good books, the best parts were in the back.  (Being an OCD person, I struggle that I haven't read the in between pages. Please don't judge me.)  The general overview of the book is that the reason we don't enjoy our lives now is because we live "in the now" and "now" is not our destination.  Forever is what we have to look forward to.  When we start to view life in a "forever lense" things are easier to manage because we know that our God created us with forever in mind, not with our current situations and not limited to our birth and death as the world sees it. 

There was a chapter on Suffering so I jumped right in.  The actual title of the chapter is, "Suffering is harder when you have no forever."  I wish I could quote the entire chapter to you.  One of my favorite parts comes from scripture,

" Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being GUARDED through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.  In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials."
 -1 Peter 1:3-6

 

Tripp goes on to express how Peter can't think about his present trials without looking at it in light of forever.  Tripp is fascinated with the word "guarded" in this passage.  He says, "Not only does God have a plan that you are included in, but he is also with you daily and guarding you through every situation as he is preparing you for forever.  You see, guarded, means that not only is your future guaranteed, but it means that God is protecting you in the here and now as well.  If forever is in your future then God must "guard" you between now and whenever forever becomes your permanent address.  "Guarded" means you cannot only be assured of future hope, but of the right here, right now comfort of present help." 

 

The author goes on to talk about God's grace and how that grace manifests itself in our present trials.  He says, "in grace he gives me all I need to face what I am facing with courage and hope.  To do this, He gives me all the grace I need to fight bitterness, doubt of God, and the temptation to run from my faith and give way to panic and fear, bombarding myself with questions that no human can answer.  'Guarded' means that in  my moments of suffering, God provides me with protective grace and because he does, I can have "living hope".  This hope is something different than the sterile hope of distant, theological platitudes.  It is the security of real provision in desperate times of need."

 

Here is what I glean from this:  God is guarding my heart.  He is constantly with me, even when I don't feel it.  I can rest assured that He had forever in mind when he created me and he has forever in mind as I walk through this valley in my life.  I don't understand it and I don't like it but for whatever reason it is necessary for me to walk this path. 

 

 

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

 

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

 

Grace- that is what I Need to remember. 

Grace- that covers my sins.

 Grace- that gives me courage.

 Grace- that holds onto me when I am so tempted to let go. 

Grace- what I need most in this world.


Tricia Brock- What I Know (with lyrics)

I haven't blogged much this week.  Life threw me a curve ball.  It was a ball I was expecting yet when it came, it shattered my very being.  I couldn't remember how to breathe.  It was as if the last 6 months were on repeat- like the movie Groundhog Day.  Thankfully, I have a wonderful group of people- including my family who hold me together when I can't do it on my own.  But this time I had to deal with some anger.  And this time the anger was towards God.  Its hard even now to admit that my faith faltered.  I didn't know if I wanted to believe in a God who allowed such heartache.  Even when I couldn't talk to God about these feelings and heaven forbid I share those thoughts with others, still I had people speaking His love and His truth into my heart.  Bottom line is that I don't know what the future holds. So tonight, I go to bed knowing that God isn't afraid of my questions or doubts and that He will lead me to the answers I need when I need them. 

"I could throw my fist in the air demanding answers
But in spite of all the questions
I’m still giving You my life
And if it doesn’t turn out like I think it should
It doesn’t change the fact You’re always good
Your ways are higher than mine"

 

Change This Heart - Sidewalk Prophets

One of the most awesome parts of this journey I have found myself on is the grace I am finding in day to day living.  I stumble everyday.  I struggle with bitterness.  I get frustrated.  I get angry.  I often try to do things on my own.  I can cover most of these with masks and not many people see the real me.  But God sees.  He knows my motives and the condition of my heart.  What is amazing is the grace, forgiveness, I receive when I repent, ask for forgiveness.  It takes away the heaviness.  It makes me want to be a better person... not on my own strength but on His.  If I rely on myself, I will continue to stumble... moment by moment I will stumble.  But in resting in His finished work, I find peace and comfort even in my weakness and in my brokenness to live the life He has called me to live.   

Brandon Heath - I'm Not Who I Was

 

Galatians 5:6- "For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith working through love"

 

There is someone I would love to have 15 minutes of conversation with. 

 

15 minutes to share how my life has changed once opening the flood gates of God's love and mercy.  15 minutes to show that I am learning to forgive and that healing does happen... it does exist.  Bitterness/anger/revenge/jealousy/malice/pride/stubbornness/holding a grudge doesn't have to win.  15 minutes to show what the power of God can do when we allow the Holy Spirit to rule our livesand through His love. 

"I'm Not Who I Was"

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so...

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wondered if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Thinkin' its a funny thing
Figured out I could sing
Now I'm not who I was
Write about love and such
Maybe cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinkin' maybe I
Should let you know
That I am not the same
That I never did forget your name
Hello...

 And the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was...

Rich Mullins Hold me Jesus

Another "old school" song.  This song has provided more comfort and peace during my life time than any other Contemporary Christian song.  I chose this song tonight because of something I read in my Bible this morning. 

Deuteronomy 33:12 says, "Let the beloved of the Lord, rest secure in Him for He shields him all daylong and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders."

I immediately pictured my brother when I read this verse today.  When my niece or nephew get tired of walking, he picks them up and places them on his shoulders.  When they can't see something like fireworks or an animal at the circus, he does the same thing.  He lifts them up on his shoulders so they can see.  I rarely hear him complain about them needing his help at their young age.

Today, my Father, knows of my need for Him.  The next 24 hours of my life will be filled with tears and sorrow over what "could have been."  But God, in His wisdom, chose today to show me this verse.  He is holding me on his shoulders so I can rest. 

"Well sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

I'm singing hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace "

 

 

I love the underlined stanza in this song because it reminds me again of my Father.  I don't always see my need for his help.  I tend to try to figure things out on my own.  That's not living in dependence on him but rather on my own self-righteousness.  But God, he gives us salvation and grace.  His love for me carried me on his shoulders to the cross.  He took my sin, insecurity, sorrow, etc and put it on his shoulders to offer me the rest and peace I need so desparately.