Casting Crowns - Oh My Soul (Lyric Video)

Can I get an AMEN to this song... Right now it meets my weary soul. As I wrote last night, the world is broken due to sin and my world is feeling more broken.  In my sweet daughter's brokenness, she is struggling to find her true self.  The searching is taking her far from the only one who will satisfy that longing.  I feel helpless.   I am clinging to the promises of this song...

Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing, you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone

Here and now
You can be honest
I won't try to promise that someday it all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

I'm not strong enough, I can't take anymore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
Can He find me here
Can He keep me from going under

Oh, my soul
You're not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone
Oh, my soul, you're not alone

As I listen to these lyrics, I can say... yes I am tired, worn out and burned out on religion.  I can also say yes, I need to make time to find real rest in the unforced rhythms of grace.

 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30 MSG)

Here are some life lessons I am learning...

I am learning to that I need to take care of myself.

I am learning that I need to let go of what is causing this stress.  (Is that even possible?)

Finally I am learning, to trust God.  

He is bigger than this problem... 

this fear of the unknown... 

the lack of control I feel, 

He is in complete control.  

So, somehow I will press on, 

knowing that He's got this.

I am NOT alone.    

Without You- for King and Country

Vulnerable... Helpless, defenseless, powerless, weak, susceptible.   

Someone I love is ready to say good-bye.  No it is not a "love interest" but it is someone with whom I have shared my life with for almost 10 years. For the first time in weeks, my defense is down and I ache for the relationship that is broken.  The protective wall I have built around my heart, is coming down.  I pray for a miracle, a supernatural healing to take place in this dark place of the one I love.  She is going to be walking a very difficult road and I won't be there to help her.  She cannot see past her present situation to the glorious future she could have.   

This song is about a tragic illness that occurred in a marriage.  But it can also be said of a broken parenting relationship. My heart doesn't want to give up.  But I am so very thankful that her Heavenly Father will be with her on the journey ahead.  Mental illness, stress, anxiety and brokenness are no match for my Savior... for her Savior.  

 

My hope, comfort and peace in this time of trial is found in Scripture.

“God can do anything, you know — far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!” Ephesians 3:20 (MSG)

He knows what He is doing.  His plan for my Peanut is far greater than my plan.  This trial of watching her struggle and for her, this trial of figuring out who she is, God can do anything... absolutely anything.   

I've Just Seen Jesus Sandi Patty and Larnelle Harris

I grew up listening to this song... In fact I heard it performed long before it was officially published. (Its a perk of growing up in a big church in Nashville Tennessee with many producers and song writers in the late 1980s.)

 I continue to put myself in the place of the disciples each Good Friday, Silent Saturday and Easter Morning. I can't seem to place myself at the foot of the cross but I can place myself in that place of confusion after Jesus died. As I was preparing my heart for Resurrection Day, this song came into my heart and mind.  It's lyrics are self explanatory.

We knew He was dead.
 "It is finished" He said.
We watched as His life ebbed away.
Then we all stood around
until the guards took Him down.
Joseph  begged for His body that day.
It was late afternoon when we got to the tomb
wrapped His body and sealed up the grave.
So I know how you feel His death was so real
but please listen and hear what I say.  

The sadness of losing someone close... someone admired... someone who was supposed to fulfill promises.  Did His followers despair?  Did they speak to each other?  What was going on in their minds?  

I've seen Jesus.  I tell you he's alive.
I've just seen Jesus.  Our precious lord of life
And I knew He really saw me too.
As if til now, I'd never lived.
All that I've done before, won't matter anymore.
I've just seen Jesus and I'll never be the same again.   

In Matthew 28, Mary and Mary Magdalene go to the tomb.  When they see the stone rolled away and the guards on the ground and an angel, I am sure they felt overwhelmed.  The angel quickly greets them, encourages them to not be afraid and tells them to go back to Galilee to tell the disciples what they have seen.  The women obeyed.  They began to go towards Galilee, "afraid but filled with joy". What amazes me is that Christ meets them right there and echoes the angel's words... He greets them.  He encourages them to not be afraid and tells to go back to Galilee to tell the disciples.

Why does Jesus meet the women?  

Is it because they were still feeling afraid?  

I think He meets the women because of the relationship He has with them.  

He loves them.  

He doesn't want them to be afraid as they make this journey.   

It was His voice she first heard
those kind gentle words
asking what was the reason for tears
and I sobbed in despair my Lord is not dead.
He said, "Child it is I. I am here."

Can you imagine how relieved the women were as they traveled to Galilee?  Not only had an angel appeared but then the Lord appeared.  What joy, peace and comfort they must have felt. He was there. He is here.   Its a timeless truth.

Isn't that the same story He tells us everyday?  It is the gospel I need to hear everyday.  The resurrection is the most significant moment in our faith.  He restored our relationship to Himself.  He loved us enough to die on the cross and take away our sin.  But He didn't leave us there in the brokenness of the cross.  No, He came back.  He is alive.  

Friends- Michael W Smith & Amy Grant

A timeless song and this video is sung by my "music rock stars". It has been a song near and dear to my heart since middle school.  When I first experienced true struggle I was blessed with a couple of true friends.  Those friends who sent snail mail, gifts {Pictures of teen heart throbs} and encouragement from 2 states away.  More importantly, they listened, they prayed and they didn't let the circumstances of my life around me dictate their friendship.



Friendship is really what makes life possible.  The older I get... the more I struggle with life... the more I see the value in the friendships God has placed in my life.  It is a common theme that the Lord gives me access to friends long before we know we are going to struggle.  He knows who will walk alongside us in the next phase of life.  He prepares the road long before it gets bumpy.  He sees the bigger picture and prepares me by offering friends to be the hands and feet of Jesus.



But am I that kind of friend?  Do I walk side by side with friends?  Sometimes I struggle to let down my protective wall.  Sometimes I am anxious to jump into someone's struggle because I don't feel adequate.  What time and experience has taught me is that no words are needed when I walk a hard road with a friend.  Most of the time is more valuable to simply be there.  So that is the kind of friend I pray I can be.  Someone, who isn't afraid to sit in the silence with you... Someone who will go the extra mile.  I want to love others well.

. 

But as much as I want to be there, I have to remember that I am not perfect.  The Perfect One is the God of comfort, the One to offer true encouragement, the Wisdom that my friends need.  I will need to rely on Him if I am going to live out the gospel for those God has given me.  My friends need Jesus.  They need to know the strength of my God.  I must rely on His strength because without Him,  I cannot be who they need me to be.  Let's face it, they really don't need me, they need Him.  So as I begin this day, I pray that I can walk the hard roads knowing that He will be the one they need.  

With the faith and love God's given

Springing from the hope we know

We will pray the joy you'll live in

Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always

It won't even seem you've gone

'Cause our hearts in big and small ways

Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Storm Inside Of You- Veronica Ballestrini- Original

Sometimes, you can't save others.  Actually, you can never save someone else.  Current events in our household have left me feeling hopeless and helpless.  Let's get real... Life is hard for any teenager in our society.  But some kids are dealt with more difficulties than others.  It's hard for them to figure out who they truly are because the world pressures them to be who they want them to be.

It is heart wrenching to watch your child drowning especially when you are handing them a life preserver and they won't accept it.  It is a daily struggle to put her back into the arms of the only one who can save her... Her Heavenly Father.

My mantra is that He loves her so much more than I do.  He can love her so much stronger than I can. He can go with her when I can't.  He is in control of each situation.  He knows the ending of her story.
That is what I cling to...

Rend Collective - "Whatever Comes" (Official Lyric Video)

"He is like a tree planted by water,
    that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
    for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
    for it does not cease to bear fruit.” - Jeremiah 17:8

I'd classify this song as, "My song of 2017."  It is my sincere prayer and yet my deepest fear.  When I claimed Oceans in 2013, I didn't have a clue how my world would change in the matter of 22 days.  It took that many days in a new year for tragedy to rock my world.

I want to look back on this year and see God's hand guiding me to stand firm in His goodness and to not fear the unknown.  2016 was filled with "unknowns" and no doubt 2017 will continue that path. However, the Lord can change the way I perceive those unknowns.  Specifically my prayer is in the scripture above.

 I want my roots to be firmly planted in Christ. 

 I do not want to be afraid when trials come. 

I want to continue to flourish through Him.  

I want to be at peace through the times of spiritual dryness.  

I want to look back and see evidence of Him 

in me bearing fruit in myself but also 

touching the lives of those around me.  

Rooted in Christ, Fruit of faith for whatever comes.  

Lord, whatever comes

Make me steadfast, make me rooted

A cedar planted firm, deeply grounded in Your goodness

Whatever comes

Be my bravery when I am trembling

Be my courage when my heart is caving in

Be the fireside when I am wandering

Be my Father, whatever comes

MercyMe - Even If (Official Lyric Video)

God when you choose to leave mountains unmovable

give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know your able

I know you can

Save through the fire

with your mighty hand.

But even if you don't

my hope is you alone.

I know the sorrow and I know the hurt

would all go away if you just say the word.

But even if you don't

my hope is you alone.

You've been faithful

you've been good all my days

Jesus, I will cling to you come what may

I know you're able

I know you care.

I know your able I know you care.

Save through the fire

with your mighty hand

But even if you don't

my hope is you alone.

It is well with my soul.

It is well, It is well with my soul.

It's amazing to look back on this blog.  I can definitely see God's mighty hand at work in the big and small details over the past 3 years.  But what happens when I can't see God's hand at work?  What if God's silence is how He is answering my prayers?  Then what?  Will I choose to believe that He is still good? Faithful?  Trustworthy?

Right now, God is not to answering my prayers for my daughter.  Actually I should clarify... God is not moving fast enough and loud enough to answer my prayers.  He is not moving in the way I think he should.  Doesn't that seem more accurate?!?!

I am certain He is moving.  I am certain He is answering my cries and questions.  Yet, if I am being honest, I have a hard time letting it go.  This song gently reminds me that God is behind the scenes. He is there when I feel anything but peaceful or calm.  He is there when I have no more tears to cry and when I am sure my heart cannot stand anymore.  He is there when I am so angry that I embarrass myself and continue to fight a losing battle in my own mind.

So my prayer this afternoon is that "Even if... My HOPE is you alone."  

Here by Kari Jobe

It's been a while.  Far too long since my last entry.   Actually its been over a year.  It's not that God hasn't been moving.  But He has been moving in painful ways.  It has led to brokenness and loneliness that I couldn't fathom.  Long story short... I was past my breaking point last fall.  My world was spinning out of control and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it.  With the advice of my church leaders, I took a week away to get into God's word and to really search my heart.  I learned a lot about my need for control and even more about letting go.  The first night in my cottage, I sat in the dark on the porch and listened to this song over and over.  I sobbed... I was broken.  I knew I could no longer handle life on my own.  I needed Jesus.  I needed his strength in tangible ways.  During that week, I was able to lay down my burden.

My struggle to be a good parent and to control the choices my daughter was making.  

My burden of depression and how easily I can get overwhelmed.  

My selfish pride that tries to hide the struggle and pain.  

You'll find his peace

and know you're not alone anymore

He is near.

You'll find his healing

Your heart isn't shattered anymore

He is here.

Breathe in

Breathe out

You will find him here.

I found him.  In the darkness, I realized I wasn't alone in this fight. Yes, I had a support system but I had a Savior who wanted to carry my load.  He was there, walking beside me and calling to me to seek him.  

I could say it's been easy since that week in November, but that would be a lie.  It is a weekly struggle to balance caring for my personal needs, taking care of a daughter who "doesn't need me" and trying to find ways to minister to others.